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Tony51203 
6:33am, November 16, 2009
I continue to improve ever so slightly each and every day. I keep taking baby steps farther away from the edge that I tried to leap last week. This morning I'm feeling pretty good. Still slightly depressed but it's lessening each day and I'm getting back to normal.
I can now fully understand how Blackthorne felt in Shogun when he's fully committed to sepuku but is prevents from doing so. Pulling back from that edge is like waking from a deep dream. It takes a while to wrap your mind around the fact that you're still here but it takes even longer to wrap your emotions around it.
We went to a wedding last night and I backslid a little. I drank a few beers. Only a few, I did not get buzzed let alone drunk. I feel a need to keep my mind as clear as I possibly can and I was unsure how the alcohol would react with the new meds. Yet at the same time I wanted to get mind numbingly drunk, to blot out the world. I chose to stay sober.
My younger sister in law admitted to being on of my watchers on DailyStrength. I thanked her for admitting it and I give her all the credit in the world. She cares enough to not only be one of my watchers but to openly admit it to me. That feels good. It's almost like I have someone I can talk directly to when I post.
Both she and my older sister-in-law had a talk with me. They both said they love me and don't want to see anything happen to me. It was hard not to tell them that those sentiments feel like just more nails in my coffin, keeping me here where I don't want to be. I love them both dearly, especially the younger one. She's been like a baby sister to me since I was 16. She's a good girl with a lot of heart and I'm proud of her.
But I don't want more people caring. I want fewer people caring. I want to isolate myself until I'm really as alone as I feel. If I were that alone last week then I would be here now typing these inanities.
My older sister-in-law said I'm like a real brother to her, not a brother-in-law. She told me I'm a good person and she's proud of me. If she only knew just how effed up I am she'd never call me a good person.
They both said they're there for me if I need them. Again I couldn't bring myself to say that by the time I need them I'm too far gone to ask for help. By that time this place is the only one left in the world for me. By then I feel so alone and empty that I just can't connect to anyone and all I have left is blogging to to get it out and away from me.
My wife believes they're watching me for my family, that they don't want to see my family lose me. I have to wonder if that's true. The implication is that if I'm no longer family then they no longer care. Maybe it's better that way. That's one key to alienating them too. I really have to work on alienating everyone. Wheter I live and have to change my entire life or I die, either way I've got to give up everyone who cares for me, everyone for whom I care. Each relationship will have it's own key to ending it. Maybe that's the key to these relationships.
See, I'm still not completely sane. I made plans to end it and it took me almost 2 weeks for those plans to come to fruition. Now I'm making plans to isolate myself. Not really sure why yet. It's either because it will make it easier to really end it for good or it's because I have to make such drastic life changes that I need to leave all my loved ones behind. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel such an obligation to live for all those who love me. I need to want to live for me, not for others. In truth I still don't want to live but I'm accepting of the fact that I'm back in life and have to what I have to do.
My older sister-in-law talked some about her oldest son, my nephew. He's very pschysophrenic and has taken many of the drugs they're trying on me. I love that young man like he was my own son. I always try to treat him and talk to him like he's an equal. I never talk down to him or treat him with kid gloves. I think that's why we're so close. He's very impressionable and if anyone gives me reason to not try to off myself he does. What kind of example would I be setting for him? Oh well, I can't let him deter me from my course.
Both sisters in law and my wife agree that I need to change my life, to find what makes me happy. Do they realize that doing so may very well require leaving them all behind, either in death or in life?
I once had a friend in work who advised me to follow my greatest joy. Such powerful words, so much meaning behind them. Perhaps if I'd been following my greatest joy all along I wouldn't be where I am today. To follow my greatest joy now would entail leaving most if not all my loved one behind. Today I don't want to do that. See, I told you I was improving. A week ago I didn't care who I left behind. That's another small step forward for me. One step at a time, that's how I'll win this race.
I can now fully understand how Blackthorne felt in Shogun when he's fully committed to sepuku but is prevents from doing so. Pulling back from that edge is like waking from a deep dream. It takes a while to wrap your mind around the fact that you're still here but it takes even longer to wrap your emotions around it.
We went to a wedding last night and I backslid a little. I drank a few beers. Only a few, I did not get buzzed let alone drunk. I feel a need to keep my mind as clear as I possibly can and I was unsure how the alcohol would react with the new meds. Yet at the same time I wanted to get mind numbingly drunk, to blot out the world. I chose to stay sober.
My younger sister in law admitted to being on of my watchers on DailyStrength. I thanked her for admitting it and I give her all the credit in the world. She cares enough to not only be one of my watchers but to openly admit it to me. That feels good. It's almost like I have someone I can talk directly to when I post.
Both she and my older sister-in-law had a talk with me. They both said they love me and don't want to see anything happen to me. It was hard not to tell them that those sentiments feel like just more nails in my coffin, keeping me here where I don't want to be. I love them both dearly, especially the younger one. She's been like a baby sister to me since I was 16. She's a good girl with a lot of heart and I'm proud of her.
But I don't want more people caring. I want fewer people caring. I want to isolate myself until I'm really as alone as I feel. If I were that alone last week then I would be here now typing these inanities.
My older sister-in-law said I'm like a real brother to her, not a brother-in-law. She told me I'm a good person and she's proud of me. If she only knew just how effed up I am she'd never call me a good person.
They both said they're there for me if I need them. Again I couldn't bring myself to say that by the time I need them I'm too far gone to ask for help. By that time this place is the only one left in the world for me. By then I feel so alone and empty that I just can't connect to anyone and all I have left is blogging to to get it out and away from me.
My wife believes they're watching me for my family, that they don't want to see my family lose me. I have to wonder if that's true. The implication is that if I'm no longer family then they no longer care. Maybe it's better that way. That's one key to alienating them too. I really have to work on alienating everyone. Wheter I live and have to change my entire life or I die, either way I've got to give up everyone who cares for me, everyone for whom I care. Each relationship will have it's own key to ending it. Maybe that's the key to these relationships.
See, I'm still not completely sane. I made plans to end it and it took me almost 2 weeks for those plans to come to fruition. Now I'm making plans to isolate myself. Not really sure why yet. It's either because it will make it easier to really end it for good or it's because I have to make such drastic life changes that I need to leave all my loved ones behind. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel such an obligation to live for all those who love me. I need to want to live for me, not for others. In truth I still don't want to live but I'm accepting of the fact that I'm back in life and have to what I have to do.
My older sister-in-law talked some about her oldest son, my nephew. He's very pschysophrenic and has taken many of the drugs they're trying on me. I love that young man like he was my own son. I always try to treat him and talk to him like he's an equal. I never talk down to him or treat him with kid gloves. I think that's why we're so close. He's very impressionable and if anyone gives me reason to not try to off myself he does. What kind of example would I be setting for him? Oh well, I can't let him deter me from my course.
Both sisters in law and my wife agree that I need to change my life, to find what makes me happy. Do they realize that doing so may very well require leaving them all behind, either in death or in life?
I once had a friend in work who advised me to follow my greatest joy. Such powerful words, so much meaning behind them. Perhaps if I'd been following my greatest joy all along I wouldn't be where I am today. To follow my greatest joy now would entail leaving most if not all my loved one behind. Today I don't want to do that. See, I told you I was improving. A week ago I didn't care who I left behind. That's another small step forward for me. One step at a time, that's how I'll win this race.
UPDATED GOALS
Stay sane
Progress 40%
Encouragements: 5
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