Tony51203's Journal

Man who the fuck am I kidding? I'm sinking into a depression and it feels like it's gonna be a bad one. I've been bouncing between hypomanic and mildly depressed for a few days now but I felt it turn today. The world sucks, life sucks, eyes are leaking again, this whole fucking shebang sucks.

I've turned the corner today for real, I feel my emergy draining, thoughts are depressed, I want to go hide in a corner and bang my head on the wall. I'm self medicating with alcohol again, I know that's no help but I can't stop myself. I'm such a fucking git bag, an asshole, a jerk off. I destroyed the only good thing I've ever had in my life and Ijust can't get past it. I'm alone and lonely, yet I'm not alone. My wife and kids, their spouse and my grandkids are all right downstairs or in the next room. yet here i sit alone and isolated, feeling lonely and seperate from the world again. I'm so alone, I'm always alone, i have no one yet i have everyone. How can I be so alone?

Who really gives a fuck anyway? I don't, why should anyone else? 

Fucking goals. Are you kidding me? Goals? I could give a fuck less whether or not I quit smoking and as for staying sane, well sanity is overrated. I'm luck, or unlucky if you will, to keep on living. Think I care about sanity? Fuck those goals and the horse they rode in on.