Journal

It's been 14 days since I decided to cut my meds in half. In that time I've had one bout of depression lasting a mere 4 days. I've been sane and stable for the rest of the time.

I am, however, beginning to experience daily panic attacks. Well almost daily. As always, these panic attacks are a bitch. I think I'd rather deal with depression then the panic attacks.

I don't blame the meds cut for the panic attacks. None of my meds are aimed at preventing them, to my knowledge. I really can't give a reason that they're coming so frequently now. I have pills I can take when I feel one coming on. They work sometimes, others they don't. I used to take clonapan (sp?) for them but the pdoc took them away and gave me these hydroxyzines. They're nowhere near as effective.

In the same time period I've also stopped seeing the psychologist and the psychiatrist. My meds are once again being handled by my GP. I stopped seing these docs of my own free will, it was my decision, as was the decision to cut my meds. I felt like I was over doctored and over medicated.

My long term goal is to keep reducing my meds slowly until I'm off them completely. That is assuming I make it that far without manifesting symptoms. My next step, in around 2 weeks time, is to cut the meds in half again then 4 weeks after that I'll eliminate them completely.

My only concern here is that in the past I've gone long periods of time where I was completely normal and I was unmedicated. Then the beast would come roaring back in like a whirlwind and next thing I'd know I'm attempting suicide.

I'm really not sure what I can do about it if this is the same thing. If I wean myself off the meds then some months from now the beast comes back how will I handle it? The only thing I can do is to keep some meds available and to go back on them at that time, assuming of course I'm enough in my right mind to do so.

I feel like I'm treading a fine line. I don't want to be taking this medication if I don't need it. Then again I don't want to take my own life. I feel like I'm doing fine on the reduced levels and continue to think I was overmedicated. Perhaps a mid line is called for, reduced levels but continue to take them. In that case I'd never know if I can make it without the meds and that's my ultimate goal.

I think I'm gonna play it by ear. I feel like I'm plowing new ground here. I've been successful so far. Gotta see what the future brings to know if that success will continue.

I've been doing good, I've been weening myself off my meds. I'm down to half doses and still going strong I had a mild bout with depression, as ever, but I'm back up on top of the world. I'm taking a half dose in the morning and  a half dose in the evening.

If I continue to do well then I plan on going down to quarter doses in 2 weeks time.  I'm confidant that will come to pass.

I'm glad I've started this. I already feel less drugged and more aware. Already my libido has started to come back and I've been able to perform my ahh husbandly duties for the first time in 6 months. I'm feeling better then I have in a long time and more like my old self.

Best move I ever made, so far, was to start backing off on these damned meds. I knew I was over medicated, I could tell.

Well here's hoping things continue to go well. I will back off on the meds until if/when I start to see problems then I will increase them slightly to head off those problesm. That's what a good doctor would have me do, that's what I'm doing.