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hayes77 
7:25am Sunday
I have a bad cold/cough thing. I was just standing in the shower trying to get my temp down (its also really hot in general today weather wise) and I was thinking how my partner and daughter were sick too. And how, well when one person gets sick then the rest of the family get the sickness too - one way or another - whether it be directly or they suffer from the person being sick and not being able to carry out thei own responsibilities or if they 'need' to look after the sick person. A simple cold/cough reminded me of the disease of alchoholism/co-dpendency!
I'm angry with my mother right now too. I know its not her 'fault' but why can't she just let go and stop judging, stop manipulating, stop trying to rule my life when i am 32 years of age. Her control, the guilt and shame she produces in me and the always impending sense of doom are enough to just want me to shut her out of my life altogether - so why don't I? Because I'd feel guilty and she rings authorities on me and my family when she doesn't get her way (i.e. if i don't maintain contact). Its so hard to explan. :-(
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Too bad everyone is feeling sick this week, take the best care of yourself that you can...would be my wish for you.
As for the mom thing, I'd like to comment. 1) I'm learning to feel my feelings now, more than ever. As codependents, we are taught not to feel our own feelings, and feel others feelings instead. So if you feel angry, admit it! Don't repress it or act like it doesn't exist. If you feel angry, then that is your right, you don't have to justify how you feel with anyone. That's why we're recovering from codependency, because we feel our feelings have to be appropriate, and approved by someone else. They don't, we were just taught they were. It's a belief, not a fact. You can change that as you heal and learn to be who you really are. 2) YES, IT IS HER FAULT! She's just not taking responsibility for it. She was taught to judge, interfere, manipulate, and control from her mother, most likely. We are all taught when we were about 3 years old not to be ourselves, we were taught the 'rules' about who we need to be to be loved, and we believe those teachings because we were too young to decide for ourselves if that was true. One of the "Four Negative Voices" in our head that we were infected with when we were young is the "Voice of Self-importance", the know-it-all. She believes you cannot live your life 'correctly' (according to how someone else besides you believes you should in order to please them) without her help. Of course you're feeling guilty, guilt is directly related to resentment! You probably resent being told you cannot be yourself, that who you are is not good enough, being someone else, an ideal self, is much better for you to be. It actually attacks you natural self-hood, who you truly are. The feelings of anger is your True-Self telling you how it is feeling right now. Listen to it! Be aware on your feelings NOW. In the now. If you're 'thinking' about the past you're probably creating guilt, and if you're 'thinking' about the future you're probably creating anxiety. The anxiety is to protect the false self, that you may find out, and others too, that you're not perfect or "ideal". It's how the system works. If you are "thinking", you're not feeling. You're not feeling your sensations right now, you're avoiding them. That's what the voices are for, to keep you from feeling what you're feeling right now, what your true-self is feeling. The last thing the voices want you to do is feel who you really are, if you learn that, and learn to express yourself without judging how you feel, you destroy the voices of negativity. All of your future learning is to get in touch with you inner child now. To learn who your really are, and who ever that is, is okay. It's a tough row to hoe, but you're on your way just by being on DS. 3) She doesn't create your guilt and shame, YOU do. One of the first steps toward recovery is learning to be responsible for your own feelings, you create them. No one can really MAKE you feel anything, you do it to yourself. Your belief in the 4 voices color how you react, you're just not aware of it yet; you haven't been taught you can respond instead of react, that you have a choice. The whole purpose of the voices is to not be obvious, to seem unconscious, to suggest you don't have a choice. Just like when you were young. You were taught you didn't have a choice in how to feel. What I am learning is to be aware of those voices. Once you become aware of them, you begin to take responsibility for them. You were taught those voices, and you were taught not to question them, that they are not a part of you. They are. They're in your head, and guess what? You're creating them. Once you reconnect to your own feelings, you will be able to say what you want more, and to set boundaries, for yourself, What you will take and not take to make you happy. It's learning about the self, the one you abandoned years ago. It'll be fun. Keep learning. 4) The impending sense of doom is catastrophizing, the fear of being humiliated, that someone will find out you are not you ideal self, that you've been pretending to be someone else, and who you really are is no good. It's an amazing game. Well entrenched in your beliefs. It's also a lie! Welcome to recovery, I'll get off my arrogance 'soap-box' now, and go reflect on my interference in your life. I probably wrote it more for me to hear than you.
In the meantime, I hope you feel better soon. I hope I helped, and if anything I wrote doesn't feel good for you, then ignore it. You choose. Hugs
Richeart
Thank you so much. I just read this and am inspired. I am feeling really sick (physically) and trying to survive a heat wave here. when i feel a bit better I can't wait to re-read this and take it all in. THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to respond. xxx
hayes77