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ladybama 
3:30pm, January 11, 2009
It has been 11 days without sutent and the blood pressure is slowly coming down. It's still too high to go back on the sutent. I do not miss the side effects and I hope we can find a dose that will allow me to continue the sutent. My mind is still not clear enough to get back to my sewing but I hope there will be days that I can. I have several quilts that I want to finish to hand down to my family. I have already made a little rag quilt for my future grandbaby. If I am thinking about it, maybe there will be a good day to do it.
June and I have decided that it is time for me to move in with her and her family. I don't want to give up the independence that I have had all my life, but it will be easier on everyone. Having to retire from a career that you are proud of is not very easy. My income will be cut in half and I am scared. Today my mother said something profound to me that her husband expressed while going through quadruple bypass. We were talking about quality of life and to medicate or not to medicated. He said, "I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of living". That's something I have been trying to express about going back on sutent. I AM afraid of living, afraid of the pain, afraid of the side effects, afraid of tests, afraid of it all.
