Journal

I have been back on the sutent for 7 days and I seem to be tolerating it much better this time.  My blood pressure has stabilized and except for a sore mouth I have been feeling pretty good.  I have gotten out on my own a few times and regaining some independence has been wonderful for my spirits.  I had a good check up with my oncologist and he feels hopeful that I will show some shrinkage of the tumors in my lungs.  When I first started this journey my white blood cell count was 16,000 (10,000 & below is normal).  This indicates infection from the tumors.  I was spiking fevers of 101 almost everyday.  I have not had any fevers in the last 5 days and on Friday my white blood cell count was at 8,000.  So something must be working in there.  That too is wonderful for my spirit.

Where there is breath, there is life.  Where there is life, there is hope.  Keep hope alive.

It has been 11 days without sutent and the blood pressure is slowly coming down. It's still too high to go back on the sutent. I do not miss the side effects and I hope we can find a dose that will allow me to continue the sutent.  My mind is still not clear enough to get back to my sewing but I hope there will be days that I can.  I have several quilts that I want to finish to hand down to my family.  I have already made a little rag quilt for my future grandbaby.  If I am thinking about it, maybe there will be a good day to do it. 

June and I have decided that it is time for me to move in with her and her family.  I don't want to give up the independence that I have had all my life, but it will be easier on everyone.  Having to retire from a career that you are proud of is not very easy.  My income will be cut in half and I am scared.  Today my mother said something profound to me that her husband expressed while going through quadruple bypass.  We were talking about quality of life and to medicate or not to medicated.  He said, "I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of living".  That's something I have been trying to express about going back on sutent.  I AM afraid of living, afraid of the pain, afraid of the side effects, afraid of tests, afraid of it all.

Boy, another day without the meds.  Each day I cold feel my body letting go of them and each day I thought I as back to my old self.  About 4 yesterday afternoon, I sprang up from my usual place on the couch and did a load of dishes and some laundry.  I looked around and saw my tiny apartment was just a mess.  I must be feeling better, the mess is getting to me .  lol   This morning is not quite as inspiring as the few hours I had last night, but I can still see the mess. 

This is the strangest journey I have been on.  I couldn't get through one cycle of meds yet but still feel that I will be here for awhile.  If I still feel this way tomorrow, I plan to get out of this apartment for awhile.  Maybe June and I will go sit a slot machine or maybe even to a movie.  I just know I need to get out before I start this again.