Journal

I just posted this and realized, that's a journal entry, not a post!  (smacks forehead)

My thinker don't work too good sometimes.  Der.

Through all the darkness that December brought, I am now looking back on the steps I've made, and things are going pretty well. I tried to take my own life on Christmas, I'm so glad it didn't work. I fell into a dark, dark hole. My fiance and I got married by a notary public on December 30th, it was nice, but I didn't even take a shower because I was so depressed. When I came back to school to finish writing my masters, I could only go minutes before having to leave for the bathroom to cry. I booked an appointment with my doctor and went on antidepressants the next day. I was able to finish my thesis on time. I started a new job - working that for a couple weeks now with intensive training starting tomorrow. And, on Friday, I'm going to close on my first house. Given this economy, I feel so much gratitude for the gifts I've been given. This all may seem like it's all good, but there is some bittersweet - I was in school for a PhD, and had to settle for this second masters because after eight years of graduate school, I couldn't get it together to finish my doctoral research. I gave up a huge dream that I've had for years. But, I'm hoping that I can discover new dreams. I honestly couldn't have made it through this month without being on medication. It's not perfect, never will be, but it's not bad - that's where I'm at today.

Depression has put some limits on my life that I really wish weren't there. It's meant a change in my goals and dreams. But, I'm thankful for what I do have. Accepting my own depression has been a long road, and I don't know if I'll accept it tomorrow. I'm thankful for today and what I have today.

I went back on Effexor on Tuesday afternoon, it couldn't have come at a better time.  I feel like if I write out all that I'm going through, it'll turn into a novel just explaining one thing after another, but it's really just been one of those weeks.

I had two weeks off for a winter break, during which I scrambled around sending paperwork to my lender to start a mortgage application and talking with my lawyer and real estate agent to get together the purchase and sales agreement.

I went back to MIT last Monday for one final week before I start my new job (begins tomorrow). My advisor told me via email before the winter break that I'll need to apply to another graduate program for the upcoming term - just something that needs to happen on paper in order for me to get a thesis.  So, I came in on Monday, feeling lousy, and ran around to the different offices and departments trying to get it all sorted out... could not deal, at all.  Any negative response sent me into the bathroom crying.  I had to leave halfway through the day.  I called my doctor that night in order to see her on Tuesday.  So, I came in on Tuesday morning, ran a few more errands, and then went to the doctor to be put on meds.  They kicked in within minutes.  I felt like I was on some great happy drugs for the first couple days.  It made it hard to get my work done, but I was able to slowly get through it - at least I wasn't crying.  Wednesday I signed my Purchase and Sales agreement for the home I'm trying to buy.  And I was able to run around and get all my letters and my transcript and all the other stuff I needed and turn in my application on Friday.  I also was able to finish writing and printing out my thesis Friday evening around 7:30pm.  It felt so good to be done with it all.  I couldn't have done it without the antidepressants, I was such a blubbering mess.  Joy, oh joy!

But, Friday was a mess in and of itself.  I'll back up to Friday.  I had made a second appointment that week with my doctor for 7:00am, I got to my car at 6:15, and it wouldn't start!!  I had to call a tow company to give me start (no one will stop in the morning to help with a jump start).  The guy was super nice, but I missed my appointment.  I had no sleep the night before, and I know that this type of thing would have just sent me into bed before, but I went into my office and chugged away at my thesis, application and proposal.  I tried to finish the printing by 5pm, but the printers were not cooperating, so it was 7:30 before I was done.  Fortunately, my office mate was kind enough to agree to walk the print-outs over to the appropriate office for me on Monday (since I won't be able to come back in since I'll be working).  I left the cover pages for my advisor to sign, and I drove back to Chelsea, where I'm staying for the time being.  My husband has a house up in Maine (about a two hour drive), so I had planned on driving up on Friday night.  So, I went to Chelsea, picked up a few things & laundry, then drove up to Maine.  About 30 minutes into the drive, my dashboard started going crazy, the battery light went on, and my headlights went out.  SHIT!  I pulled over and called my husband, on a battery that was about to go dead on my phone.  He was going to call a tow, but we found out my brights worked, so he said to drive using those.  Okay, another 30 minutes, and no lights again - I'm freaking out, looking for the nearest exit, driving in the dark on the highway with no lights.  Finally, it came, I pull off and my car starts pulling, about to die.  C'mon, c'mon!!  Nope, it's dead.  No lights, no hazards available in the middle of an off ramp and I have no phone.  A trucker comes by and lets me borrow his phone to call my husband - I ask him to send a tow truck and tell him where I am.  I can't sit in my car because it's in such a precarious position, it's bound to get hit.  So, I'm standing in the freezing cold with my dog on the side of the road watching and waiting.  A state trooper pulls up, and he's kind.  He lets me sit in the back of his car and puts on his flashers while we wait for the tow.  The tow finally comes and we're off to Maine.  What a day!

Saturday my husband put in a new battery and alternater in my car - he's so good with that stuff.

I just filled out all my mortgage loan application paperwork that they sent me - it's honestly about four hours worth of reading - I did half of it last night and the other half this morning.

I'm a bit crazy, I start my new job tomorrow morning, but I still have to move into the room in Chelsea where the roommate just left - oh yeah, I've been sleeping on the couch all week!  Anyway, it's not too bad, just a move down the hall, but I don't know if I can set it up myself.  I may continue to sleep on the couch until Johnny, the current roommate, comes back and can help me move my bed.

What craziness.  But, I feel like I've wrapped up graduate school in some way.  I mean, my thesis is printed out, so that's done, for the most part.  I still have a bunch of other loose ends to wrap up, but things are feeling like they're starting to fall into place.  I don't mind this stuff, but it IS a lot at once.

Anyway, new job tomorrow, I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm a little nervous.  Hope I can sleep tonight.