BeStill's Journal

Ok, so I have had two sessions and I am blown away. I was recommended to this therapist by another trauma specialist who I met while I was inpatient in the hospital. She works in the psychiatric ward so she does not do private practice. My insurance is covering a portion like it would with regular therapy. I have a parody diagnosis so I have unlimited therapy sessions. Anyways - only two sessions and more has happened there than a whole year of psychotherapy. Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but what this guy focuses on is where I exhibit my trauma in my body. Now this is a little confusing because there are a couple of different things that happen with me. For example, if I see something in a movie where a child or woman is being victimized sexually, I spin off into a crazy place. My body seizes up, I start panicking and feel like I want to kill someone. If someone tries to calm me down, I might hurt them. We haven't gotten to that yet and probably won't for awhile as this would possibly be a hidden memory. I have no active memory of being "sexually" abused, but my body reacts as if it has. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. Ok, the second thing is that I was explaining an episode with my psychiatrist that felt invalidating and where I felt like I was "in trouble" with him. I didn't notice it, but my body seized up and I brought my hands up near my face into little fists like I was bracing myself for something. so what he did was say, " ok, I want to ask you about the position that you are in right now." " What does that feel like?" "what happened to you when you felt like you were in trouble with your parents?" and oh my goodness, a combination of my holding that pose of bracing and feeling the feeling of being in trouble, it brought back all of this stuff in an instant that I haven't been connected to.

I know it doesn't sound that different from regular therapy, however we concentrate on my body language and what it happening there. I have suffered from pretty bad dissociation in the past (and still am) so we are moving slowly. As Aubleeanna suggested in this thread, she was worried that I would start feeling memory in my body and that it would be unpleasant. The problem is I already am and this is why I started this therapy. I triggered all the time, I end up in the fetal position shaking screaming and crying terrified for my life but don't know why. I don't neccessarliy need to know why but I need to get this crazy fear and tension out of my body and figure out all my triggers so that I can see them better and deal with it better. Dig?