Journal

So, I want to start this entry off with…I love my Doctor. I know how often we hate Doctors; I hate them quite a bit, most of the time. They rarely listen to a word we say, they think they know it all, and they don’t really help a whole lot. But, my Doctor? He rocks.

It took a pretty long time to find him. When I first met him, I was extremely relieved, like a weight had been taken from my shoulders. A little bit of the frustration could be comforted. He listened to what I told him, took step by step all of my health issues, and addressed them, one by one. My chronic pain has always been the worst. I take so many meds a day I feel sick, which, I’m pretty sure, isn’t what meds are supposed to do.

As my journal shows, I fell on December 14th. I was in a lot of pain from an already torn meniscus, and falling on it certainly didn’t help.

I went to the ER last Saturday and got a script for Vicodin (I was hoping for Percocet, but it’s too “controlled”). Either way, I needed some pain relief. They gave me some Vicodin and said to see my Doctor on Monday. Well, I already had a Dr’s appt on Tuesday scheduled, so I just waited for then. When I went in, it was originally a follow-up for the Strattera I was taking (which didn’t do anything that I could tell). I told him I fell and that I needed a referral for an orthopedist so I could finally get the surgery I’ve been putting off. I also told him I needed pain meds and about DS (he’s really open and friendly and has guided me to some really cool books in the past). He wrote down the website to look at later and asked how many pain meds I needed. I told him as many as it would take to tide me over to surgery, and that, if possible, Percocet works best for me. I have taken Percocet before and I know it works. I know how the other major pain meds make me feel. And what did he do? Did he tell me it is too controlled or he suggests something else? No. He wrote out a script and said to try to keep off my knee. Seriously. He wrote a script for *100* Percocet (the pharmacy had to call to verify, get special authorization, and took a little longer to get it for me). The bottle hadn’t even been opened, it’s the size of a vitamin bottle! I love my Doctor, did I mention that?

He trusted me. That’s huge for me and Drs. He and I have talked about everything and I have been as honest as possible. He knows whether I could become an addict, and he trusted me to take care of myself, no questions asked. He hugged me on my way out and made sure I had my referral. He also got very frustrated when I told him how most Drs are/have been and how I was treated in the Urgent Care/ER.

As for how I feel now? I feel better than I have in a long, long time. If how I feel on Percocet (or any pain med that works) is a sign of why I am constantly grumpy, tired, irritable, impatient, depressed, etc…then I know for certain it is the chronic pain. How I long to be without it on a more permanent basis, and without the need for drugs. In the meantime, I’m eternally grateful for my patient, considerate, *real* Doctor.

I took a fall December 14th. I landed on concrete tiles at work on both of my knees. You see, they have these very nice looking cream colored concrete tiles out front before the entry doors of my work. Well, these tiles are very slippery when wet and it rained that day. I took one step away from my car door and my cane and feet slipped out from under me and I landed, with all of my weight, on both of my knees.

I figured that I have health insurance, and the pain I was in was just a "bruised" pain of what I normally feel and didn't see a Dr. I filed a report, of course, because it would have been dumb to do otherwise, but I didn't see a Dr. Until 2 days ago. New Year's Eve.

The pain I was feeling (and am still feeling) had gotten bad enough from my knees that my normal tramadol/sleeping pills weren't working and I couldn't sleep. A lack of sleep makes my fibro worse, and my body ache, and my performance at work crap.

I called my office to find out about worker's comp, so I could take the time off work to see a Dr with no repercussions. I was told to immediately come down and fill out paperwork, and to go see their Urgent Care Dr right away.

I filled out the paperwork and arrived at the Dr's office at around noon. I sat and waited and was finally seen, stats taken, xrays done etc...I saw the Dr and he pissed me off so much that I stopped listening to him. I completely zoned him out. I have tried anti inflammatories before and nothing seems to happen on them. I have tried a few different kinds. This Dr decided that I should try another kind of anti inflammatory, even though I told him they don't work.

Back in June, I found I had a torn meniscus. I have been waiting for my job to become permanent (bleh...too much on that) so I can take some time off with pay to have the surgery. In theory, I should be on my feet in a few days from it. I am still not permanent at my job, and still haven't had the surgery. The Dr I saw said that my knees weren't damaged any further, just shaken up and the pain would resolve when I had my surgery. He REFUSED to give me ANYTHING but this anti inflammatory, to include ANY pain medicine. He said he doesn't prescribe narcotics. I am in a lot of pain and not resting very well and having a hard time concentrating at work. It's so frustrating and tiresome.

I'm seriously considering my crutches and an ER visit. My primary Dr isn't back from holiday vacation until Tuesday. My cane isn't helping and I don't want my hands to hurt from my wheelchair.

So, now here I sit at work, tired, in pain, and frustrated. I wish Drs would learn to listen and actually care sometimes.

My first journal post. Yippee.

So, I joined this site for support. I don't have anyone in my life who actually understands what I go through and I need people who do to get through this.

Ok, off topic, changing my font every time I hit enter is annoying. Moving on...

I have chronic pain. I have a lot of chronic pain. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with patella femoral syndrome, which means my patella in my knee keeps needing to have calcium deposits and rough edges shaved off to prevent it from wearing thin, having sharp edges which shoot pain through my knee/leg, and to stop the fluid that builds up. I had this Orthoscopic surgery on both knees at that time. Since, I have had knee pain but could deal with it. I *could* walk, dance, run, take stairs, etc, I just avoided too much of it.

Then, when I was about 20/21 or so, it started to gradually get worse. I was still able to do these things, it just hurt more. My hips started tingling at random times, especially when I laid down to sleep. I always sleep on my sides, as I can't breath properly or by back hurts when I sleep on my back and my boobs hurt when I sleep on my front. (TMI lol) My hands started hurting when I was about that age as well, I worked in a customer service field with computers and that flared them up. No one could explain the pain, all the Drs I saw told me there was nothing wrong with me. I started being more tired, losing my memory, trying my own methods of managing it. OTC pain meds, heat, ice, rest...nothing helped. My muscles started hurting, I was in pain all the time.

Fluid started building up really bad in my knees after a night of dancing and wouldn't go down in about January 2007. I could barely walk it was so painful. I saw a Dr. in February and he drained my knees and put me on anti-inflammatories. He also diagnosed me with Arthritis and Patella Femoral Syndrome. In May, I was scheduled for June for Orthoscopic surgery on my left knee, to be followed on my right when it healed.

I had Orthoscopic surgery, was able to walk the next day. Then the fluid kept leaking. It wouldn't stop like it was supposed to. It would come out yellowish and started hurting like hell. I saw 4 Drs about it (3 ER visits and my surgeon) and they all said it was part of the normal healing process and healing fine.

In July, I hurt with the most excruciating pain I have had in my entire life. I have been through a lot of pain in my life and I will never forget how bad this was. I was screaming and crying with pain sitting still, much less trying to put any amount of weight on it. I had to manage my way down 2 flights of stairs and a bumpy car ride to the ER. I was screaming in the ER room, to the point of a few nurses and Dr's asking me to please keep it down, I was scaring the other patients. I found out then that I had a staph infection and had had it for the last month, obtained in surgery. A month and 4 Drs and no one had found it.

I was admitted and brought into surgery for them to try to clean out my knee, went through this 3 times in a couple days, all with me knocked out. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and 4 "cleaning" surgeries. I had IV bruises all over my arms due to having veins that "hide" and "roll". I looked like a leper due to the black and blue up and down my arms before they decided to put a PICC line in my upper inner left arm for my antibiotocs and blood tests. I lost 20 lbs during those 2 weeks, I wasn't hungry and the food all smelled like stale, cooked broccoli (even the pancakes), so when I did eat, it was cereal, but it was rare.

My muscles in my left leg atrophied and depleted, physical therapy was hell. I could barely walk, I was on crutches or my wheelchair, and doped up for 3 months. I was giving myself an hour of IV antibiotics every 12 hours and taking pain meds every 4. My friends helped me get things done as best they could (until they got tired of it and left me to my own devices). PT made it possible for my muscles to come back enough to walk and my knee to bend. My knee still gives out sometimes and hurts often, so I have to walk with a cane or ride in my wheelchair, depending on how much walking I do or how much it hurts.

My right knee still hasn't been taken care of and, due to putting so much stress on it not being able to use my left, it's gotten much worse. I still can't have surgery on it because my left knee isn't better yet. I'm supposed to go in for another surgery on my left, due to a fall I took and a tear in the Miniscus. I rely on my boyfriend a lot to do the things that I can't. I lost the ability to run, dance, jump, walk long distances, kneel or squat. I can't do any aerobic activity that I'm aware of so I can't exercise for weight loss, so I keep putting on weight. The weight doesn't help my self confidence or the pain.

I'm on antidepressants and they help some but it's hard to be living like this. Drs still can't figure out why I have pain everywhere else. I have tried Lyrica, Strattera and Cymbalta, none of which worked. Cymbalta made my mood worsen. Heat sometimes works, cold makes it all worse. I feel like a burden on my family and friends, and feel alone a lot as they don't understand and often forget. I am invited places I can't physically get to, to do things I can't do and am forgotten about when making plans. I have to cancel plans I can do often due to a lot of pain or exhaustion.

I am 26 years old and feel like I am in the body of an old woman. My heart hurts and I cry often. I hate feeling sorry for myself but I am so angry that my life is basically going to be this way for the rest of my life. The most recent knee Dr said I have stage 3 of my Arthritis, it never reverses, and stage 4 means I am physically unable to walk at all. When I am prescribed a new medication, I sigh, but the pharmacist knows my face. I take Tramadol for the pain, though the dosage keeps increasing, Prilosec for acid reflux, Lexapro for my depression, Zyrtec for my chronic urticaria (my allergy receptors are reversed, therefore always triggered), Phentermine to try to help with my weight, and Depo for birth control, though that has to change due to a recent hormonal imbalance.

I am so angry, so tired, so sad. I wish I knew what to do to make it all better.