RyannsDad's Journal

well let's see.. where to begin?? i was here on ds a while ago and left because i let the internet become more than it should have which gave me added problems and hid my real world from me.. it's been since Aptil of 2007 since i placed a bet and since June since i got my old job back after being off for a long time after my panic attacks.. i've since had to deal with trying to piece together my life bit by bit and was taking too long until my ex started seeing someone else and i finally saw what i had neglected for far too long.

we broke up only a couple weeks before our daughter was born and i couldn't even fight for my family because i had let anxiety and panic attacks take hold of my life.. i let myself get lost in the simple world of the internet while made me lose sight of what was real.. i needed to get away from the fantasy i had created in my mind which was only masking my real issues in life because i couldn't deal with them.. or so i thought??

our daughter Ryann or "mouse" as i use to call her is a beautiful gift that i never had the chance to see as much as i should have been able to.. i was selfish and only cared about my own healing while my life fell apart right underneath me.. her mother and i have since started seeing eachother again and it's been a 9 year struggle for both of us.. since shortly after her own life challenges with being a lonely single parent i think we finally started opening up more even though it's not an easy life for either of us.. seeing eye to eye is never simple when we've only had our own eyes to consider.. neither of us are perfect but i hope in time we can find what has kept us both here for a lifetime of trial and error.. maybe together we can make it work instead of only looking out for ourselves??

i've been on effexor since February and had to up it a bit to deal with what transpired while i was in treatment along with getting back to work while losing everything else in the process.. my life is still unmanagable for the moment but i have hope even now because i'm not ready to let my own downfalls take control of my life anymore!! i hope to be able to get away from pills to help but i know i need them right now so it's a waiting game for the moment.. well in some ways i guess.. lol i still need to get a balence for work and family to make a real difference for all of us but this time i hope to be able to listen for a change.. i know i've taken more than my share of the blame for everything and it's up to her if she chooses to deal with anything on her own behalf.. she can have as much time as she needs as she's also raising 3 kids while trying to get back to work after her maternity leave is done.

it's different to see the whole picture now a days.. when i was gambling and drinking and working too much it was always about me.. as an addict it's always been about me.. no consequence or remorse until i was completely empty from all of it then it was everyones fault but my own.. i went into treatment back in February as well.. i never took much from it but was there for 2 weeks.. it was only when i really felt i lost everything i July that it made any sense.. when you take life for granted that it will always be there right where you left it.. it becomes a really hard lesson to see it move on while you try to justify how it's been everyone elses fault even when it's clearely not.. there are always contributing factors in everything but if we don't see them until it's too late it then becomes a struggle to try to gain back everything lost which you finally see is important.

i've fought and lost but keep fighting to make a difference in my life as well as the ones around me.. i carry the scars of my battles for all to see and have no shame left to share.. i'm an addict with selfish needs and wants but i'm also so much more than the sum of a few titles.. i'm also a man in a life that i freely gave to a family that i love more than my own life.. i have a daughter and 2 other children in my life i would give up everything for.. the woman i took for granted still says she loves me and i chose to love myself as well.. i've been forgiving myself for a lot of mistakes from the past and still won't hide the scars i carry.. i've lives life in the fast lane while i headed for disaster.. i also know what mistakes i've made in my life to get to where i am right now.. learning is the hardest thing to do when you don't see anything past what's right in front of you for that moment.. consequence will always overpower any idea we have and learning how to live once again is never easy!!

i may sound like a preacher of sorts but only in redards to my own life.. i know now what i should have done but it doesn't matter how i got to where i am.. what matters is where i go from here!!