Journal

wow.. where to start?? i got my business started along witha shop and 2 huge dealers for my main customers.. awesome!! so it would seem?! i had to do this on my own since the family could care less and mama has enough to do according to her?? 3 kids is a lot but so is building a business from nothing!! i think i did pretty damn good for myself so far and get nothing in return except manipulation and guilt for it?? i really don't understand it at all?? on the plus side i get to see Ryann and her chubby little face smiling at me as she laughs and plays with me when i get the chance to see her.. God i love her so very much!! in that moment she's looking at me i know i can't sweat the small stuff because she's my chance at something better and i knowi can make her life more with the gift of security once everything falls into place.. between lawyers and all the good stuff that comes with the business stuff i've been running off my feet and doing it alone.. kinda good but still a lot of work.. i hope one day she'll forgive me for missing out on the things i wish i could be there for right now??

pretty tired tonight so i'm off to sleep for a bit.. thinking of someone that always seems to believe in me no matter what and wishing i could hear her voice to reassure me i'm going to be alright 

spent the day with mama and ryann today.. it's usually so busy i think i've forgotten what it's like to be just with someone without having a bunch to do?? makes it hard to connect with the summer here and all.. Ryann still continues to amaze me with her curiousity and just the fact she knows so much.. if i watch her long enough it's kinda scary.. lol but in a good way.

mama gets frustrated with her really easily when it's just the 2 of them.. i get kinda mad when i hear some of the things that come out of her mouth when we're on the phone.. i understand how hard it is for them but to be honest i've never had a problem when it's been just Ryann and i?? granted.. i don't have boobs so she really doesn't want much from me??

these days it's a power struggle with me being unemployed and the rest of the clan wanting to go on vacations and do things i just can't afford.. really kicks me in the balls when i feel their longing for fun and all i have to really offer is the hope later on.. timing is always just poor for me?!

still hoping to get my business going and making preparations for myself as well as looking for customers but i still need to make sure i can deliver before i make promises that are in the hands of people that i can only talk to.. i'm nervous and excited these days.. i heard a qoute on the radio today that makes sense.. "if you love what you're doing then you never have to work a day in your life" it makes pretty good sense actually??

anyway.. just sharing my thoughts right now.. nobody around here seems to want to hear them.. lol

it's been 15 months since i've placed a bet and not that i'm any richer but i can actually breath a bit better.. i did it without the support of people in my immediate life but had great insptration from a few on ds here.. still get dizzy and have a few mild panic attacks but not really keen on upping my dose of effexor.. not a fan of it really but been on it since feb of last year.. the ringing doesn't really go away and i sweat a lot and get shakey and studder now when i get angry.. lol all in all i really have no report of anything good or bad coming from it?!

life is a short game and it doesn't matter if you win or lose.. as long as you play and be true to yourself.. then at least you've been a part of something the we all strive for!!