UCKelsey's Journal

I don't know what has happened to me over the course of the day, I just feel so sad.  I was thinking about me and my UC and wishing they would find a cure for it.  Everyday I think will this be a good day, or will my UC flare up again. I try to stay positive, but it is sooo hard. Thinking will it go into overdrive and throw me into the hospital, or have surgery. Surgery scares the living daylights out of me.  I just cry occasionally thinking that could be in my future.  It doesn't matter how good I eat at times, I still feel sick. I question the point of life at times, thinking why did this happen to me. Why go on living a life when there seems to be nothing but sadness and dispare ahead.  There are good moments in life, but the constant what if, and what will tomorrow bring rises up in me, and controls my thoughts alot.  I know don't worry about tomorrow live for today, that is easier said then done.  I hate letting fear, and stress run my life, and I hate feeling at the low that I am right now.  It's hard to see anything good, the ones you love, pass away, there are major life altering moments in your life.  I just don't do good with the bad, and death.  It scares me to think of dying one day. I know it will happen, and I freak out about it.  I pray to go to heaven, but it is like what will it be like there, will I actually make it to heaven.... just a lot to think about.  Sorry I had to write all this, I am hoping it helps relieve some stress I am dealing with!