Journal

My rocket chair flamed out! 

Back to the drawing board.  I lasted one week on my new job, then Atomic Learning decided my computer acumen was insufficient for me to be one of their Customer Experience Representatives.  And they said they can't invest the time in getting me up to speed with the many, varied software programs their customers would be calling me about.  Due to a recent revamping of their programs, they are expecting a big increase in calls for help, they said, so they need someone already considerably more knowledgeable than I am.  I wanted to ask them if they called the zoo yet.   

“Otay, Spanky,” I was tempted to say, “but your CFO told me you were not hiring to fill a position, and were just looking for talent.”  And he said I am “very talented!”   So, my wild imagination thought you would use those talents somewhere or another—not necessarily as a phone rep."     

I guess that somewhere included some other company somewhere.  I think the problem had to be more than my computer acumen or lack of it, because they tested me three times.  And I had three interviews with a total of six managers (they call them directors) who were free to ask me anything. 

They didn’t ask me anything about which programs I was knowledgeable about.  On my way out.  I should have suggested they could have saved their expensive time, and just had a MONKEY interview me. 

Otay, in all fairness, during the interviews, I did a lot of fast talking and sweet talking, and a little soft shoe, and cracked more jokes than a helium filled Robin Williams.  Maybe they forgot to ask if I knew how to turn-on a computer.  It did kinda frizz that manager’s hair, when I had to ask how to turn on the lap top computer—cuz I’d never used one before, DUH.     

Something else came in to play, maybe. The CS Director is a lesbian?  And, unfortunately, I am not?  It wasn’t because of my rocket chair. I didn’t fart while I was there, not even once, even though I really, really wanted to…Something subtly disarming, like a silent, toxic spill…Hey, I’m an ARTIST. 

My synopsis is that I have average or better 20th century computer skills. But Atomic Learning is all about the 21st century and beyond.  From what I saw while I was there, alongside another, much younger, new hire, I was considerably slower.  And it was apparent to me immediately that my inexperience with the many and varied software mentioned during those few days, bothered my supervisor.  She started to look like she had a turd in her pants.     

Yet, after listening to hours of tutorials about software I’d never seen before, I scored a 73-percent correct on one test and an 82 on the other test.  I mentioned that to someone who has worked in CS there for 2 years, she had a wild-eyed caged look, and she said I did better than she did.  I got 100-percent correct on several parts of those assessments.  I also scored as low as 37-percent on two other parts. 

But my initial, “huh?” with most of the software led the CS Director to conclude that I would not be able to perform at the level needed soon enough.  Boyhowdy, my hat is off to those who are doing that job, and they can keep the hat.  

I was somewhat crestfallen, although I'm already bucking up pretty well.  I immediately called and sent emails and a resume to a nearby communications and marketing company who contacted me while I thought I had already secured a job.  They filled the job they had called about.  They hired a lesbian…No, I’m just saying that.  But they said they are making plans and may be calling me.   Hmmm, I wonder what they’ll be calling me?   Talented?   Special?   Stinky?          

I guess I will try to keep a buzz in their heads about me.   In the meantime, I'm on the prowl again.  Hiring managers beware!  There's no telling what I may talk you into!  Ask Atomic Learning what I tried to pull on them—had them convinced I’m smarter than the average 5th grader.  

Which leads me to--drum roll please--my NOPE lost hope.   (Kinda obvious that I didn’t want to own up to that, isn’t it)?   I had a brief “Jimmy Cracked Corn And I Don't Care...” reaction to that “you’re hired, your not, you’re hired, you’re not, you’re hired, your fired” rollercoaster ride.  Next time I get a job, if there is a next time, I’m not telling anyone I got the job until I retire from it—less embarrASSing.  And I will be quitting again, as soon as I get my mind wrapped around it (like tinfoil around a leftover turkey carcass).        

Somebody said I have some kinda buncha time behind me (without nicOtine), and I'm takin her word for that. But I wanna pass along this scienterrifical observation:

Before I quit smoking, I bicycled one mile once, about a year ago ago. My lungs didn't hurt but my legs went numb from lack of oxygenated (new word?) blood.

My brain kept calling to my lovely limbs, "Pedal, damnit, pedal!!" But the only reply was, "Sorry we can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message."

Today I biked 10 miles, and it was like a ride in a rocket chair--eeeeeeeasy, albeit considerably sloooooooower (no flaming farts propulsion). 

Apparently my legs and headquarters have each other on speed dial now-- as long as Brainiac stays away from  nasty Nic. 

I just got that job today after all, as a Customer Service Rep. for a great company that has grown even during the recession.

They produce and market on-line software tutorials, such as how to use Microsoft Excel (and hundreds of others). I'll be making more money than I did at the boatworks, with better benefits. And it's a LOT nicer place to work—big new building.  They’re calling me a Customer Experience Representative. But I want to change that title to “Rocket Scientist!”

I got the job after all because I wrote a nice letter after they told me I was too slow on the computer. And I got a few locally prominent friends to call them. I must have pushed the right buttons, because they said I’m “talented” and gave me another chance on the test.

I did it twice as fast.  SEE…AND YOU WERE LAUGHING AT MY ROCKET CHAIR! I’ll start October 12.

I’m busy this week helping with 2010 U.S. Census preparation; creating a publicity tsunami for my volunteer Job Loss Action Committee’s upcoming forum; writing ads and news releases for a revolutionary “pocket sandal,” and just generally making a nuisance of myself.

Oh, I’m training for a 5-mile marathon. Fortunately, I will be riding a bike for those 5 miles…Unfortunately, I will be riding a bike those 5 miles. My rocket chair is not allowed!

Take excellent care y’all and keep being NOPEy (like me).