buckeyefan's Journal

So here is the latest in the crazy days i have been so on edge lately i am so tired of everything thing falling down i just keep trying to stay positive i said after i got declined for ssi the last time it was a relief but the more i think about it the more i think at least it was a way out now i am stressing because i know its gonna be a while before me or jen find jobs and the horizon looks rather bleak we just payed our bill not our rent fifty dollars less in car payment and we bought the stuff we need for the kids and we have like 50 left to last  us the whole month and it sucks i wake up whenever i dont want to wake up i dont fall asleep at night and i just try to make the day less shitty but when i see my kids have to do with out i hurt inside i get that feeling all day where i want to break down at any moment and cry i fight it back because i cant show it but it hurts to keep fighting it i am so low sometimes i wish i was a completey different person i take everything out on the people i love and it is not healthy i most of all hurt jen and i love her so much i just dont know if i can share how i feel at every moment she would think i am just a whiner and she yells at michael for being a whiner i wouldnt trade my boys and jen for anything but i would change this life if i could i would change it all i would never have moved here i would have stuck it out with that office supply job i was gonna make alot of money and i couldnt tough it out for a couple of weeks and been away from my family and just shut up we would still have have our house our cars our dignety jen would still have her job we wouldnt have to worry about anything and i hate myself for that i go to bed at night and i cant sleep because it is all my fault i have a wonderful family and they dont deserve what i have put them through i just one day i will wake up and be a man and not like my father who is 50 and still has the menatlaty  our carter a careless child i know what i need to do to change and i have to take this opritunity to change and i will sometimes we meet a crossroads and this will determine our future i cant keep being a loser so far outside my kids births i have fucked everything up in my life and no more i know with god i can change now i know i will not i can i will its gonna be tough but i will do it i have to my family wont be here much longer so i cant do this anymore

thats all for now