Journal

So, I made it through my second Antic without Ma.  Last year was so hard.  I went but my heart and soul really wasn't into it.  I missed her so much because we had gone together every year.  This year, it was so much fun.  I could almost hear my mom in my ear  - "Oooh, that's nice.  I'm gonna get it!  Hell, you only live once!"  So, I walked up and down Atlantic Avenue and ate and shopped and had a wonderful time, even while thinking of my mom the entire time.  Wow.  Not to say I don't have bad days anymore - God, I watch the wrong thing, read the wrong thing, and I am a quivering wreck.  And that's ok.  But I'm happy that I am finding some peace within myself.  Some reason to get up and get out and get going.  Because I know my mom would HATE to see what had become of me.  In fact, it would worry her beyond no end.  So, life is not perfect but it's much better these days.  Better because I am living and laughing and smiling again.  Who knows how I'm going to feel tomorrow but I'm loving how I'm feeling today!  And the fact that I am accepting that is HUGE!!  Live in the moment.  I miss and love you, Ma!

For the first time in a very long time, I went out and wasn't an observer.  Did not feel like an outsider.  In fact, I have been having more incidents like this.  I'm hopeful again.  I feel alive.  I feel a part of the world.  I'm not sure how long these feelings will last  - the happiness, the hope - but I'm enjoying them as I have never enjoyed them before.  I'm optimistic... and that's a wonderful thing!  I guess God does like me afterall.