gens4's Journal

I am having dificulty today. I feel my strength leaving me. I htought I was done withthe approval seeking from my father, but each conversation I have with him and the blaming tone he uses (concerning my finacial state, my decisions for my daughter) just make me feel as if i am a little child incapable of overcoming his blame. I am working full time and almost have our family in a better position, I made the decisions the best I could with what information and money I had. If I could have given her all the OT PT and speech she needed I would have, but when the insurance did not cover the therapies, I did not have the money to do what she needed. It is hard to hear my parents say I denied her most of her childhood, because I could not afford therapy. Why do I keep falling back into this childhood pain, I want to leave it behind, but it is hard. When the situation with my daughter is over, I want to move my family far away from my parents. I guess that is the cowards way out, but I feel like the blame stems from amny things not just the situation of the present time. I long for them to take responsibility for not protecting me, but I may wait for ever, blaming me is far easier than taking responsibility. I know for the last few years I tried to blame others for my daughters problems and use their behavior as an excuse for my behavior, but now I have taken full responsibility for my behavior and no longer make excuses, it is hard, it is painful, but I have done it and I am a better person for it. But, it is hard to live surrounded by people who find it easy to place blame than take responsibility.