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LaraB 
10:51am, October 29, 2009
Recently I've been trying to occupy myself with all kinds of stuff like work, home rearrangement, getting out, trying to have some fun. I pretend that everything is ok, but it's not, and then I feel shattered like a broken glass that can never become whole again. I think about mom and I miss her, I don't know how to get through this difficult time without her. I don't know.
I can't sleep, I'm always tired, have mild fever and terrible headaches. Can't concentrate on my work, can't focus on anything really. I feel so weak. I ignore everything and keep moving at some crazy speed. I don't want to stop, because, if I stop, I won't be able to find the strength to start again. When I lay down to go to sleep I feel my heart racing. Sometimes it's so frightening, sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I cry inside of me, sometimes tears leak down my face.
I don't know how to move on with my life. I don't even know if I want to. I'm stuck here. I made a mistake and I can't live with it. I made a promise to my mom to bring her home and I failed. I can't forgive myself. I'm stuck in this unforgiveness, I'm stuck in my weakness, I'm stuck and I can't see a way out.
Comments
Dear Lara, I am so very sorry you are feeling so alone and awful. I think you should go see your doc. where you have a slight fever. It cant hurt to check it out and see if something else is going on. I lost my dad four years ago and it was terrible. I wish I were there to talk to you and try to give you comfort. It does get better. It helped me to talk about it and time does help. So sorry for your loss.
lisamw36
If you ever want to talk please let me know- Lisa
lisamw36
Lara, I agree with Lisa, if you are running a fever, you need to see your Doc. Hang in there, Keep us up on what's going on with you.
joblessinmi
Hey LaraB, With the exception of it being your name on the journal you just wrote, you just described ME. Every day I get up and put on my "actress role" & pretend to the world like everything is ok. Like you, my mother died almost a year ago and the pain feels worse today than it did when she first died. Everything you wrote, " I can't sleep, I'm always tired, have mild fever and terrible headaches. Can't concentrate on my work, can't focus on anything really. I feel so weak. I ignore everything and keep moving at some crazy speed. I don't want to stop, because, if I stop, I won't be able to find the strength to start again. When I lay down to go to sleep I feel my heart racing. Sometimes it's so frightening, sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I cry inside of me, sometimes tears leak down my face." ALL OF THAT describes EXACTLY how I am feeling at this very moment & like you, I don't know how to see my way out. Everything just seems so useless & I don't have any joy & happiness in anything that I do anymore. I spent this whole entire weekend in my bed, phone off the hook with the shades drawn. I also don't know how to move on with my life..how do you when a major part of your life is gone forever??? I truly wish I knew of some way to pull us thru this. I heard that in time it will get better...I wish that time was NOW!!!
Bone2110
Lara, Please get yourself to a doc. You may be feeling worse lately because of your fever. You may also need to talk to your doc about grief counseling or even depression. I lost my Mom just over a year ago and lately it seems harder than when she first died. We'll get through this together. Remember your Mom wasn't alone, God was with her. Also, your Mom would not want you to be so sad. I believe your Mom is in heaven, happier than ever with the Lord. I pray for you. I am here fore you. Love, Chris
Overwhelmed1203
Hey LaraB, You & I have been writing to each other for quite some time now & we have both been experiencing pretty much the same emotions for almost a year so I really appreicate being in your thoughts & prayers. Like you the sadness & depression are still there. I am constantly on an emotional rollercoaster with no ending in sight. Right now I literally have to talk my way thru each day just to keep myself moving. The first year for both of us has been EXTREMELY tough but I am praying that the future will one day become joy-filled & peace-filled once again. As always, you & your mom are in my thoughts & prayers.
Bone2110