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LaraB 
10:51am, October 29, 2009
One year ago, on September 12, my world changed forever. That was the day my mom died. She died in hospital, alone, in the middle of the night. No one should die alone, but I wasn't there when she took her last breath.
It was a long, long year. I was dealing with all kind of emotions. The most destructive were guilt and remorse for leaving her in hospital, for letting her down. I was unable to forgive myself. I cried so much. My nights were sleepless.
I lost my best friend, person who truly cared, who loved me and supported me unconditionally. My world will never be the same. It's like it stopped turning. It's not the world I knew. It's rough and cold and I feel like I don't belong here.
My mom lives in another world now. I hope it's better than this one. I don't know why she had to go, but I know she's my angel now.
I love her and miss her so much. Only God knows how much I need her right now.
Comments
Lara, I will be thinking of you and your Mom tomorrow. I just had the first anniversary of my Mom's death on Sept. 1. You are not alone, I share all your emotions too. Your Mom still loves you as you love her. You are right, she is your angel now. Keep talking to her, she hears you. Hugs and smiles to you, Chris
Overwhelmed1203
Hey LaraB...You & I have been communicating for some time now so you know, with me losing my mother too, that I feel your pain. Everything you just described, the support & unconditional love you got from your Mom, dealing with all kinds of emotions & your world never being the same, I am feel ALL of that too and with my Mom's 1-year anniversary coming up (Oct 28th)the pain of losing her intensifies. You & your Mom will be in my thoughts & prayers tomorrow as I ask you to keep my Mom & me in yours. Thinking of you both.
Bone2110
Thinking of you. I hope your day brought you some kind of peace, knowing that your mom is and always will be your angel.
joblessinmi
Dear Laura, I know how you feel I lost my dad four years ago. Time does heal but when his anniversary comes it feels like it was just yesterday. I DO believe that your mom is in a better place. She has no pain, except seeing how sad you are. I wish I could give you a big hug! Im so sorry that you are hurting. I hope you are feeling a little better- all my love.
lisamw36
Lara, my grandmother passed on May 1, alone in hospice. My parents had sat with her until midnight and the hospice workers noted that she wasn't showing any signs of imminent demise. I went to the hospice the next morning at 9am. I was in the parking lot and my cell phone rang -- my mom said that the hospice had called, and my grandmother was near to her last breath.
The hospice was in a nursing home. I ran in, and the man at the front desk insisted I sign in. I rushed to the elevators but they were slow. The stairs were locked to the residents. Finally the elevator came -- a elderly lady with a walker pushed the wrong floor button. I finally got off, ran to the hospice ward, ran to the room. I was a minute too late.
I know how you feel. But, the hospice worker told me something. A lot of times in hospice, people pass on when there families aren't there. They don't know why but the worker feels that it's a subconscious effort to spare the loved ones the pain of watching the end.
My mom has felt guilty for not staying the night, but, she's starting to see that the all the care we gave my grandmother, all the love, all the advocating (in the hospital, with the doctors, with the insurance company, etc.) was what mattered. I hope some day you can feel that way too.
xRobinx