sticester's Journal

 I apologize for the insane length of this.  I hope someone can stick with it long enough to reply with unbiased  honesty and maybe a tad bit of luv to help smooth over the the sometimes painful wounds of honesty.

Thanks for reading . . .

Two and a half weeks and my sister is still not speaking to me and my mother prefers I don't come up there for awhile.  HMMP! 

But if they

So once again I'm the bad girl, the thoughtless, uncaring traitor or in the words of my sister I am a betrayer of blood and family.  In my words, I believe I'd rather take a nap in hell than to deal with someone that is less rational than myself.   

When in the hell will I learn to stay away from my mother and sister.  There is inevitably a flare up of some sort every couple of years and it also seems I am 'odd woman out' so to speak. 

My sister wants to speak of betrayal and trust and blood being thicker than water at a time when her life is in a turmoil of indecision and she would like everyone to believe otherwise.  I cannot talk to a drunk, I cannot talk to someone who has not the time to verify ALL information before prejudging.  I cannot talk to someone who only wants to blame, yell without consideration to what they are spewing.  I will not allow,  even a loved family member to insult, degrade and belittle me.  I'm not a doormat to shout at whenever the ball doesn't bounce right on your damn court.  NOT  MY  DAMN  FAULT.     PUT  ON  YOUR  BIG  GIRL  PANTIES  AND  DEAL  WITH  YOUR  OWN  SHIT ! ! !

In situations like this I will try to remember

Just for today . . .

I do not control how people feel,

 I cannot control people's actions and reactions,

I am not responsible to control people, places or things.

I am in control of how I feel,

 I can control my actions and reactions,

I am responsible to and for Me.

Just for today . . .

WGR 4/4/09

I may not win this life long battle with my sister and mother and I may decide to quit playing but I  WILL  NOT  BE  TAKEN  HOSTAGE by my sister and mother's mastery of Guilt Trips.  I have a choice . . . Neenner neenner neenner . . . I do NOT have to Buy a Ticket for a Guilt Trip.  I am not a bad person.  I care and feel compassion for others, often too much so.                            

I continue to want to trust those who deem it necessary to be two faced and who speak falsehoods out of both sides of their mouths, however, I realize the desire for trust will without question come with a high price.  Not only is the payment  high, non payment ravages the heart and soul leaving only enough strength to lay in a ball, enveloped in old horrors that are once again filled with terror.   Even with the appropriate ransom and humbled demeanor there lies the knowledge that somewhere, maybe soon, maybe later . . . the knowledge that this hurtful and open rawness will be revisited again and again.   How do I close this door?  How can I obtain relief for the gaping wounds? 

I want to sit in the closet, I want to keep my child company, she shouldn't be alone.    I will just sit here quietly, surely she can feel reassurance that she's not alone, she's loveable and doesn't deserve to be shunned nor allowed to feel the sole responsibility  for an action that was not meant to hurt or to be the cause of painful distress. 

  My sister, I have never intentionally hurt you and yet every few years there is a major problem, for that I am sorry.  I sat in the closet as a child, partly because if I stayed there I wouldn't be the cause of any problems.  And probably more so since "out of sight, out of mind " allowed  a degree of safety and security.  I recently met my little girl in the closet.  I found her eyes filled with sadness and loneliness.  That wasn't all though, there was a timid look,  hollow and filled distrust and fear.  There she sits with a tough exterior prepared to flee at a moments opportunity.  Flee to the safety of aloneness as there is a peacefulness in being alone.  With solidarity comes the calmness of the known.  Isolation holds the hurt, tears, anger, uncontrollable emotions, and outside elements known to initiate heartache,  allowing the harshness to wane.  Being programmed from birth that submission was not a question, produced  low self-esteem, low if any, self-assurance and a confidence level that only the lowest of life form should feel. 

I've struggled to gain self-esteem and confidence in myself.  I've explored the world over for love,  I've made progress in areas of my life that I only dreamed of in a little  closet.  The same closet that kept my secrets and pain from being exposed to the family.  Secrets and pain that have crippled me for too many years.   Silence and fear ruled my world.  I suppose this little riff we are having is a harsh reminder of the agony and distrust that I knew as a little girl.  I suppose I should thank you for opening that safe place and disrupting the little solitude I was able to find.  As each time these disturbing events take place,  my little closet girl grows.  She grows stronger in self-confidence and is blessed with a strong ability to find the strength to continue on,  assault after assault and my little girl is learning to focus more intently.   Learning, growing and developing trusting relationships,  Replacing the constant and painful hurt with newer and more honest, trustworthy situations,.  My sister, I will not allow you or mom or anyone else who thinks they are entitled, to tell me how I am to act or when to say what to whom.  I am 51 years old, I take responsibility for my screw ups.  If the screw up has for some reason unknown to me affected you negatively, it then becomes YOUR  Responsibility to approach me but NOT in a threatening and demanding approach.  My reaction to your act of accusations only shuts me down and puts me back in my safe closet.  I did not and do not EVER deserve to be attacked, verbally or physically.  Not by ANYONE.    I cannot teach or provide ample reassurance to my little girl by continually allowing her to see and feel the all too frequent disharmony, and ridiculous power struggle of the relationship between you and mother and myself.  There has been  an ongoing underlying distrust of my motives, my values, morals, my honesty and now, finally betrayer of blood and family.  I trust, if you or someone else does not trust and Believe in me and the honesty that Henry and I have built our lives on, then the Dishonesty and Disbelief is considered to be a direct attack to my character. 

Due to your reactions to my judgment in Henry's and my one night association with "the enemy", I have come to the conclusion that a regular and consistent interaction with you and mom will continue to cause harm to what I'm accomplishing  in therapy.  See, I am loveable and caring.  I can feel remorse when I have done something hurtful to someone else, I live with hurt daily, I therefore am not inclined to hurt someone else, especially someone I love and would lay my life down on the line for.  There's a hole, an emptiness that wants what was once sheltered and cherished to be replenished.   I am really fortunate my little girl will grow up a few more years and find something beyond special to fill the deep cavern of loneliness.  Maybe a special joy, maybe another lesson in trust and belief that not all  people want to destroy the inner sanctum that is the core of the heart.  This above all is what I want to be able to experience with my family, my loved ones, the ones that share my blood, and have shared experiences that were beyond hell and back, experiences that are never discussed, doors to the past that have been barred shut for fear the devil reincarnate reappear in life after death.  Secrets that harbor guilt, shame, responsibility, fear, unfounded concepts that were subtly programmed into us as children.  The familiar sickness and inability to know the correct decisions to make in order to know that we were actually secure, safe and loved.  Childhood slipped away from me at the young age of 7.  The safe and secure feelings of being loved and giggles at silly knock-knock jokes, became a sad reality,and a distant memory.  The innocence of wonder and the delight that glows on the face of the child with absolutely no doubt that there is total love and security not to mention the ability to know the safe people to surround themselves with.

My sister,  much damage has been done to us.  Damage we could not control.  Damage that has marked us for life.  I am trying to assure my inner child that it's safe to make an entrance.  I want to teach her it's okay to feel and have emotions.  It's safe now to laugh, cry, scream, even to love and be loved.  By helping her to greet this big scary, chaotic, manipulative and uncaring, dog eat dog world,  there's the possibility that with comfort and unconditional love and support,  she may be able to develop a love relationship with herself.  Who can figure, just maybe with a bit of encouragement and heartfelt aproval, this child who was born in innocence and love will someday be free. 

I truly wish for you happiness, but knowing what I know from childhood, I suspect you will continue bury your head in the sand and avoid any part of the healing process.  Again, just from my unsolicited knowledge and recent heartache, avoiding the devastation of our tender youth only causes striking out at the wrong time to the wrong people in an inappropriate manner. I know this because it happens to me.  It is exceptionally difficult for me to believe and trust without second guessing.  This is a side effect of our years of "don't be seen and don't be heard".   Because of this,  I learned to yell or be angry to be heard.  I kinda have crossed to the other side of the pendulum.  I am now trying to be fully informed before I go spewing stupid shit in a tirade at some poor unprepared and unaware soul.  The worse part of it,  I don't  plan to act like that.  It's my little girl and she simply wants to be validated and taken seriously for the intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate qualities that she has  previously been taunted or tormented over. 

I'm sorry that your refuge from the often times unstoppable torture is alcohol.  I have found nothing to ease the agony of a hurting heart or to simplify what is out of my control.  You know I have searched.  There is no holy water to bless the pain away, Not through all my years of drug abuse did I locate inner peace from the monsters that inhabited my life.  All I actually did was attract more dysfunctional and less caring jerks to help me screw up more.  I don't have to keep beating myself into the ground anymore.  I am learning to be happy and to try to find goodness in things, even things that I may not necessarily agree with.

Perhaps someday, long from now, I will feel able to trust my heart to you and mother.  For now though, I think it's best for myself and my child of the closet to relate with ones in life that practice unconditional love is and how to share it without meanness  and  split tongue adversity. 

I realize this is very long, but I've had much time to reflect on this situation I therefore had a few feelings and thoughts that needed to be shared.  It matters not whether you read this or attempt to spend time considering the value of what I have shared.  I give from my heart.

Painfully but with Love,

Gayle