Journal

I am in soooo much pain today.  Still doing the recommended physical therapy to strenghten my entire back.  Trying to correct my posture so that my core and back support my head and neck - instead of my neck bearing all the weight of my head and really bad posture.  It is kind of working for the back of my head and neck - but I still have headaches.  But it is kind of working so I will keep doing it.  The problem is that now my back, mainly lower back are in such serious pain.  And it runs all the way to my hip - excruciating.  It's like as soon as one thing starts to feel better, something else feels worse.  I think my neck, head and back are just so screwed that there is no answer damn it! I'm a mess.  But I'll keep doing it - it's better than the couch.  

Just had to vent.  

This is the last time.  No more doctors guessing.  No more telling me what might be wrong with me.  No more prescriptions on top of prescriptions on top of prescriptions.  No more doctors telling me that another doctor is wrong only to have another doctor tell me that yet that doctor was wrong.  They are all crooks.  I have seen them all.  I have tried everything.  All they have done is experimented on me.  Experimental procedures.  Expensive exams to rule out that they probably already knew wasn't there in the first place.  Hundreds of needles.  Dozens of injections.  Filling my body with poison.  What is a side effect effect and what is a symptom?  I can't tell anymore and neither can the doctors.  And when then run out of tests to run they refer me to their partners.  The process never ends.  The only thing that happens is their wallets get fatter. 

I have lost all faith and trust in the medical community as a whole.  I am disgusted.  Patients in pain are easy targets.  Doctors know how desperate we are.  They convince us to try anything in order to feel better.  They are shameless.  They have no scruples.  They are criminal.  God will see to it that they get what they deserve in the end. 

After all of this time searching, trying everything - the one thing that does help is pain medication.  If I hurt - I take it as needed and I get moving again.  I'm done poisoning my body with 10 different prescriptions for conditions that doctors say I have but don't get any better with these "miracle drugs".  I'm done wasting my time filling my schedule with non stop dr appointments.  I'm going to take care of my own body - and put it in god's hands from now on.  Seriously.  If I hurt I will treat the pain and if it something more serious I will let God take care of it.  I feel free already.

In addition to my ongoing health issues, I've had ongoing family issues.  The family issues escalated to a crisis point during easter weekend.  It was at this time I had to make a decision - I couldn't continue to deal with the added daily stress of my family craziness while I was trying to take care of myself.  There was a HUGE fight that involved everyone and I decided to pull away from everyone.  I told everyone exactly how I felt and told them that I just could not be involved in the ongoing drama anymore.  I come from a family of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics.  And one side enables the other.  And I get thrown in the middle on a daily basis.  The phone rings constantly - I am always the mediator.  In the meantime, I have my own health that I am trying to take care of.  I just couldn't do it anymore. 

The other thing that I realized was that I have been sick for quite some time now - and my family NEVER visited me.  I always had to visit them.  If I never travelled to their neighborhood I would never see them at all.  That's always the way it was - but after I got sick, it would be nice if they came out to see me.  Instead they just drag me over there into their drama.

It's been about a month.  I've successfully lived with peace an quiet.  My husband and I finally weren't being disturbed at 9, 10, and 11 at night with the phone ringing with some kind of drama.  Until tonight.  7:45 the phone rings - without looking I pick up.  Damn it.  It's my sister.  There is no way that she hasn't been drinking for a few hours already by 7:45.  It already starts.  I told her I don't want to get into it - but she pushes, won't take no, for an answer.  Won't let it just end with a nice goodbye - keeps pushing and I have to hang up on her.  An hour later and she has called three times.  Two messages and one hang up.  Here we go.  This is exactly why I pulled away from my family in the first place.  And this is nothing.  The actual event that set me off involved cops at my sister's apartment and my mother saving the day - taking in a drug addict to keep the cops from taking away the druggies baby.  My mother is going to have a heart attack from protecting my sister. 

But I am not getting dragged back in tonight.  I am taking the phone off the hook.  I am taking care of myself.  I've done all I can.  I've offered all I can.  For years.  I'm sick now.  So I am going to be selfish.  I'm going to vent in my journal and go watch a movie.