Duenorth's Journal

     School has kept me so busy that I haven't gotten around to journaling. Overall, my life has been on an upswing: keeping up with my classes, working on my art (with two breakthrough pieces I'm very proud of, volunteered for several good causes, fundraisers and for local support centers. Though frequently fatigued, I've had a higher energy level and a better, more optimistic mood too; which is why I'm fighting to shake off the anxiety that was triggered this morning by a phone call.

     A friend who I'd lost touch with got back in contact. I was feeling really happy about it bc I like her and she is a good friend...but also felt a wee bit anxious bc her ex bf is stbx's chauvinist womanizing  friend whom I'm not fond of and think has been a bad influence on him. Since I haven't spoken with her since our separation, I sort of dreaded telling her the details of our break-up. Even though I tried to keep it to the basics, by discussing it with her, I stirred up bad feelings, grief, anger again within myself about it. I was doing ok suppressing that initially, but then she gave me some news (with the best of intentions on her part) that really got my anxiety cranked again. After close to three weeks without a major anxiety flare-up, it hit me pretty hard and I'm simultaneously overwhelmed with trying to cope with these bad feelings and trying to "reason" myself into a better mood and doubly resentful of stbx for being the original author of these emotional issues and her for stirring it up. Even though this was news that I needed to hear, this whole thing makes me want to avoid her, just so I can feel in greater control by not having to cope with this issue or my bad feelings again.

      I had planned a needed, but essentially carefree creative art session at the school studio. I was flowing with several good ideas and wanted to paint. Then after the phone call, I sort of dithered around until I decided that I needed to buy a tube of Payne's Gray oil paint on my way to the studio since I was out and like to use it in my dark/neutral hues. Of course the art store is right next to my favorite bookstore and a good thrift store is enroute to both, so guess what...I spent the afternoon shopping instead of painting. I would have enjoyed the shopping except I was aware that I tend to shop compulsively when I'm anxious and emotional or upset. So I was trying to block out all my bad emotions and repetitious thoughts about stbx and this bad news by shopping (which I usually enjoy), but then also feeling guilty and weak willed bc I felt like I should be in the studio and was spending extra money that I didn't really need to spend.

     I got home and put stuff away; was just settling in when stbx dropped off DD from their weekly visit. There was an almost awkward moment when he was leaving bc I didn't have it in me for any small talk. I think he wanted to just get out of there too...but there was this long pause like we both felt like we were supposed to or wanted to say something. I felt conflicted again bc he seems so much like the man I loved and had a good marriage with for several years and want that back so much that I want to fool myself and think we could work things out. Big reality check: I know I can't trust him now and he's hurt me again and again, so how can I be so emotionally stupid as to still want him. I don't even think it's the REAL him that I want but someone who I wanted him to be.

     In a snap, my emotions turned and I was remembering the trigger to all my bad feelings today and I just wanted to confront him head on about it and just unleash all my rage and disappoint ; to scream at him and tell him I never wanted to see him again and never have DD see him again...but I can't do that and it just sucks!!!

    6:45PM

     DD interrupted my earlier vent. I could hear her voice in the hall saying "Mooommm! I want you to get off that computer and play with me!" I had to smile :) We played for awhile and I made dinner. She's so cheerful that it was contagious and I started feeling better. I'm looking forward to getting back on campus tomorrow and feeling my creative "juices" flowing again. I hope to start another kickin' oil painting and I have a meeting with my instructor who is gonna love the one I did last week!

     My shopping spree yielded a used copy of The Complete Printmaker for $6.98 and a few other good books at 88 cents each, several pretty antique transferware plates including one by Homer Laughlin and a Royal Doulton for $2.38 each, plus some clothes for DD; and of course my tube of Payne's Grey oil paint. Actually my "spree" totaled less than you'd pay for one blouse most places, so at least I'm an economical compulsive shopper. 

     Man am I exhausted. I think emotion stress takes it out of you more than any physical activity ever could. At least I feel back on stable emotional ground again. My goal now is to recharge with a good night's sleep, so I can tackle tomorrow in a positive mood.