Duenorth's Journal

...I'm wondering how I'm going to make it through the next week, let along the whole semester! Overall I'm doing great: caught up in all classes, not depressed & started a life affirming diet, exercise and rejuvenation regime a few days ago. I'm mentally good, but have been excruciatingly hungry, occasionally light-headed and have periods of tremendous fatigue. The hunger is from the diet and some other odd sensations, but mainly I'm just already overwhelmed and it's only the start of the semester. This health kick is absolutely necessary and actually helping my anxiety and mental energy level, if that makes any sense. I  want to do a lot more than I feel physically able to. Argggh!

So to recap the past week: DD had a flu/stomach bug. She was sent home from daycare and home part of the next day. Although fever gone and feeling much better, she's had some diarrhea and fatigue also, so I think it was hanging on a few more days. The same day she had her fever, my stomach sounded like it was harboring an alien fetus & I was having some cramps and heartburn issues, plus periods of extreme fatigue and chills. Although it didn't hit me as hard, I'm sure I got the same bug as DD. (Followed by that time of the month) Then I started this diet and have been concentrating & meditating on how to make positive changes in my life.

I had an awesome monotype session the day after my epiphany working on self portraits; trying to reflect/ get in touch with an inner vision of my self, not just what I saw in the mirror. Next did a self therapy oil painting session that channeling my angst and my id. Because of the time lost from DD and my illnesses, I didn't get as much art done this week as I'd like, but I'm very happy with the work I did accomplish. I also never regret nurturing DD, she's my top priority after all.

Yesterday I did feel pretty sick, though was under temp rather than a fever, but so fatigued and full of body pains I felt like I could hardly move and with severe diarrhea. I called stbx to see if he could take DD awhile...I felt bad that she was stuck inside with a sick Mom. But he didn't answer his phone or return my messages...that made me mad. Later I called again and hung up w/o leaving a message and he called right back. He told me he'd been out of range of his cell service, but I know that's a lie. When he is out of range, it doesn't ring, goes straight to voicemail. His rang all three times. Even if he'd just called and said "Sorry I'm busy" or said he was too busy to answer the phone I would have more respect than lying about it. I'd suppressed my bad feelings and carefully spaced the calls several hours apart and left nice, if pathetic messages, but when he did finally call...too late in the evening to do any good, my irritation definitely showed in my tone, though I didn't say what I felt like saying! It had been several days since he'd seen DD or been in contact, so I didn't feel my calling him about this was out of line. I shouldn't even let it bother me. Same old ***. The funny thing is he lies so much, did when we were together too and I know every single time, even when I don't call him on it. I told him that before and after we split too; I told him outright: I know when you lie...it's not gaining you anything, so why not just stop lying, but apparantly it's habitual with him.