Journal

     Woke up around 6AM which was very surprising since I only got about 7 hours sleep and had woken around 3AM for some reason as well. I was still really tired, but essentially alert and since the alarm was set for 6:45, I got up and used the extra lead time to freshen up and relax before it was time to get DD up and ready to go. She was also quite drowsy and it took a bit of extra coaxing to get her to cooperate; but once awake she was cheerfully bouncy & playful to the point of not following my directions well at all. I was getting a bit frustrated, but tried so hard to keep my cool bc she was so happy. However just as I was prodding her out the door she started to whine and be resistant bc she didn't like the breakfast snack I had packed. After three rounds of telling her that I wasn't packing another snack, my voice rose and high pitched told her that was it, we were going NOW. She cried briefly, then seemed to bounce back very quickly and was chatty in the car. I felt Mom guilt about snapping at her and apologized for that, but told her she needed to Listen.

      I made it to my school just in time for my weekly meeting and critique with my painting instructor. I had a painting that I felt really good about and he liked it too. He also waxed lyrical on other artists whose work I might find inspiring and some of his own experiences finding people to sit for him. (I'd mentioned wanting to try some portraits from live models). It was very upbeat and left me feeling enthused to paint. But first I had to run and move my car out of the 1 hour parking zone and retrieve some stuff that I'd left in the trunk...including a new electric hot water pot that I just bought to brew tea in the studio. (the cafe drinks were eating into my budget) I've discovered Stash Decaf Chocolate Hazalnut tea which is quite excellent if unusual. The steamy fragrance is the best part and it tastes pretty good; gives you that warm fuzzy experience. Accompanied by a blueberry muffin, I was able to unwind with my tea for few moments before setting up my palette and going to work. First I touched up and signed the painting that was just critiqued. Then I set up a new stilllife and went to town on it for a few hours. It's kind of a kooky subject and while I am still excited about it, it will take several sessions to get it how I want it to look.

     I cleaned up and headed over to the cafe for lunch: BLT & a cup of chicken curry stew, yum! I quickly skimmed my philosophy reading which is an overlap from my Late Modern class last semester so I'd already read, highlighted and discussed it in that class. Memory refreshed I arrived in the classroom a bit early and pulled out my little notebook of "To do" lists and "Want to do" lists; spent several moments pondering my schedule for the rest of the week. It was warm in the room and suddenly all my tiredness from earlier rushed back (probably from a blood sugar change after lunch as well) and my joints & back were aching from the 3 hours standing in the studio and painting. By the time the class started, I was ready for aspirin and a nap!

     I managed to perk up enough to pay attention and contributed a few intelligent insights to the discussion. I must have still been drowsy though bc my mind was wandering at the very end of class when he was discussing the next assignment. I focused as he mentioned everyone having a chance to rewrite a paper. I thought he meant the writing prompt for the previous reading that he had passed back, which seemed unusual. Well it turned out he was talking about the 5 page paper from last week that he then passed back. I got an A-/B+ which I was pleased with since I cranked that puppy out in one draft and printed it 5 minutes before it was due. I don't really want to rewrite it, but feel like I should for practice for upcoming term paper and to set a good precedent with the prof.

     Afterwards I just wanted to go home and put my feet up. Unfortunately it was raining steadily outside and my car was three blocks away. I dashed for the art building and went back up to the studio. I do need to put some major work in on my art for the upcoming critique. I really enjoy it too, but feel pulled in ten different directions this semester. I hauled my paints back out and put another hour in on the painting. I had a pleasant chat with several other art students and with the Art Club faculty advisor about a few club activities. Initially my painting went well, but then I botched some areas of the background, just totally put in some big swaths of the wrong color. I tried to fix it, but there was too much paint down. I scraped some off with the palette knife, but it was still too greasy to cover up. It had stopped raining and looked really nice outside, so I figured this was a sign that it was time to go home. I'll let the painting dry awhile and then be able to paint over those areas. Satisfying start on the canvas; now if I can get several more going then it will be easier to switch back and forth to work on them as I get inspired or need to let areas dry.

     I had about an hour to kick back at home before I needed to pick up the squirt. She was just as bouncy and stubborn as ever! It took 5 minutes at least to get her to put her coat on and out of the classroom. I could have pushed harder but she was being playful and silly rather than whining and after this morning I thought, why rush her if I don't have to? She rejected the next snack I offered and inwardly I had to take a deep breath and just let it go. (it was a blueberry muffin that she would have loved if she'd tried a bite) I said okay and put it away. She must have gotten the message though bc she didn't whine for another one right away. A little later she asked politely and I got it for her.

     The rest of the evening went very well. We sat companionably in the livingroom for awhile and then she sat on my lap for part of a cartoon that she liked, but had a bad guy that was a little scary. I made her chicken for dinner. Got her ready for bed and she was much better behaved about getting into her pj's and settling down. She picked a book off her shelf and it was one I bought awhile ago, but we had never read: Charlie Cook's Favorite Book. She loved it! It rhymes and is a story within a story etc....each page briefly describes another story. So it's like Charlie Cook's favorite book is about _and the main character has a favorite book about_and that character's favorite book is_etc. After we finished, DD wanted me to read it again in a special way that we do where "she" reads it. Basically I go one line at a time and read it very slowly while tracing the words with my finger and whispering the line to her. Then she repeats the line like she is reading it. It takes a bit longer, but she loves doing it and I feel like it is an excellent way to prepare her to actually learn to read it herself. I tucked her into bed and she asked me to leave the light on a few more minutes so she could "read" the book again to her stuffed animals.

     It took another 15 minutes for her to fall asleep. She had to make a potty trip and have some milk. Then she asked me to tuck her in again and turn out the light. It was a nice night. I feel lucky to have such a great kiddo.

     I think an early night is in order for me too! I never did take that aspirin and my shoulders are killing me. :)

     School has kept me so busy that I haven't gotten around to journaling. Overall, my life has been on an upswing: keeping up with my classes, working on my art (with two breakthrough pieces I'm very proud of, volunteered for several good causes, fundraisers and for local support centers. Though frequently fatigued, I've had a higher energy level and a better, more optimistic mood too; which is why I'm fighting to shake off the anxiety that was triggered this morning by a phone call.

     A friend who I'd lost touch with got back in contact. I was feeling really happy about it bc I like her and she is a good friend...but also felt a wee bit anxious bc her ex bf is stbx's chauvinist womanizing  friend whom I'm not fond of and think has been a bad influence on him. Since I haven't spoken with her since our separation, I sort of dreaded telling her the details of our break-up. Even though I tried to keep it to the basics, by discussing it with her, I stirred up bad feelings, grief, anger again within myself about it. I was doing ok suppressing that initially, but then she gave me some news (with the best of intentions on her part) that really got my anxiety cranked again. After close to three weeks without a major anxiety flare-up, it hit me pretty hard and I'm simultaneously overwhelmed with trying to cope with these bad feelings and trying to "reason" myself into a better mood and doubly resentful of stbx for being the original author of these emotional issues and her for stirring it up. Even though this was news that I needed to hear, this whole thing makes me want to avoid her, just so I can feel in greater control by not having to cope with this issue or my bad feelings again.

      I had planned a needed, but essentially carefree creative art session at the school studio. I was flowing with several good ideas and wanted to paint. Then after the phone call, I sort of dithered around until I decided that I needed to buy a tube of Payne's Gray oil paint on my way to the studio since I was out and like to use it in my dark/neutral hues. Of course the art store is right next to my favorite bookstore and a good thrift store is enroute to both, so guess what...I spent the afternoon shopping instead of painting. I would have enjoyed the shopping except I was aware that I tend to shop compulsively when I'm anxious and emotional or upset. So I was trying to block out all my bad emotions and repetitious thoughts about stbx and this bad news by shopping (which I usually enjoy), but then also feeling guilty and weak willed bc I felt like I should be in the studio and was spending extra money that I didn't really need to spend.

     I got home and put stuff away; was just settling in when stbx dropped off DD from their weekly visit. There was an almost awkward moment when he was leaving bc I didn't have it in me for any small talk. I think he wanted to just get out of there too...but there was this long pause like we both felt like we were supposed to or wanted to say something. I felt conflicted again bc he seems so much like the man I loved and had a good marriage with for several years and want that back so much that I want to fool myself and think we could work things out. Big reality check: I know I can't trust him now and he's hurt me again and again, so how can I be so emotionally stupid as to still want him. I don't even think it's the REAL him that I want but someone who I wanted him to be.

     In a snap, my emotions turned and I was remembering the trigger to all my bad feelings today and I just wanted to confront him head on about it and just unleash all my rage and disappoint ; to scream at him and tell him I never wanted to see him again and never have DD see him again...but I can't do that and it just sucks!!!

    6:45PM

     DD interrupted my earlier vent. I could hear her voice in the hall saying "Mooommm! I want you to get off that computer and play with me!" I had to smile :) We played for awhile and I made dinner. She's so cheerful that it was contagious and I started feeling better. I'm looking forward to getting back on campus tomorrow and feeling my creative "juices" flowing again. I hope to start another kickin' oil painting and I have a meeting with my instructor who is gonna love the one I did last week!

     My shopping spree yielded a used copy of The Complete Printmaker for $6.98 and a few other good books at 88 cents each, several pretty antique transferware plates including one by Homer Laughlin and a Royal Doulton for $2.38 each, plus some clothes for DD; and of course my tube of Payne's Grey oil paint. Actually my "spree" totaled less than you'd pay for one blouse most places, so at least I'm an economical compulsive shopper. 

     Man am I exhausted. I think emotion stress takes it out of you more than any physical activity ever could. At least I feel back on stable emotional ground again. My goal now is to recharge with a good night's sleep, so I can tackle tomorrow in a positive mood.

     My painting adviser & instructor set up our weekly meeting for 9AM Mondays, which I agreed to since it'll be good for me to get in early & get more studio work done. Not that I appreciated this distinction when I was corraling my child & rushing her out the door this morning! All went surprising well & I saw my instructor enter the building right after me @ 8:30. I debated parking on the main street near the art building, but it's one hour parking and though I've never gotten a ticket, decided I didn't want to press my luck by leaving it all day nor have to run out and move it...so I drove out to my usual parking two blocks over and hiked back. Stopping at the cafe to pick up two muffins and a Springtime in Paris tea. Ya know the tea is delicious and part of my campaign to cut down on caffeine, but the name really sold me. There's just something hopelessly optimistic and cheerful about drinking a cosy fragrant tea by that name in single digit temperatures looking out at the huge snowbanks.

     I had time to get out some of my monotypes from last semester that he wanted to take a peek at and see how my work had developed while he was on sebatical. I put out my self portraits from last week's session and had one oil on canvas started. He liked the self portraits very much and was really impressed with my work from the fall, especially my more cohesive compositions. He gave some very useful critique and feedback as well as the attaboys. We talked about applying some of the ideas and formal elements that are working well for me in the monotypes to my paintings. As has been typical, we talked past our alloted time and he had break off to teach a class.

      I didn't have class until early afternoon and first relaxed with a blueberry muffin & sipped my tea. Then pulled out my Existentialism text to pour over the day's reading assignment and review some past sections that I had merely skimmed last week. Finished with my reading and confident I could contribute to discussion in my afternoon class, I got ready to paint. After surveying my previous work with dissatisfaction, I rotated the canvas 90 degrees and began reworking it. I like the new direction I'm developing and was particularly pleased with the upper left quadrant where my color and brush marks have high visual interest and are strongly evocative of the mood I want to express. Now if I can bring the other 3/4 of the painting up to snuff I'll be a happy camper.

     I painted until noon, cleaned up and stopped into the computer lab where I wrote up my discussion of the philosophy reading prompt; after which I had ample time to get to my class room. Arrived 10 minutes early & ate my other muffin while glancing over the text one more time. I was able to make several points during the dicussion and enjoyed class much more than last week when I didn't have time to read so in depth. It turns out, there was a skipped section that is the reading for next time which I've already finished. So a quick review is all I'll need for Weds.

      I debated whether to go back to the art building to monotype, but had several other errands to run and wanted some late lunch. So I headed back to the car via a stop at the cafe for homemade chicken tortilla soup and another tea.

      The car didn't start. No click, no turnover nothing. I thought maybe the battery cable had come off, but both appeared to be attached. I was a block from where stbx hangs out so I walked over. His buddy was nice but dismissive. He said stbx was supposed to be arriving any minute and gave sort of a defacto invite to wait for him, then ignored me. I pulled out the Nevada Barr novel that I've been working on and read for about 15 minutes. Then felt like I didn't really want to hang out there too much longer and got up to go back to the campus and perhaps call for help from the art building. Buddy immediately offered for me to use his phone to call stbx, who said he was almost there. Another 5 minutes felt excruciatingly long, I was wishing I'd just called him from campus. He arrived and was very nice. Checked out the car and said the old factory cable clips/terminal thingies (very technical language yeah) were corroded and kept loosening. He'd noticed that they needed to be replaced when he helped with my new battery. So he twisted one until it was tight and the car started right up. He offered to put on new thingies if he had time later this week and showed me how to tighten the old ones again if needed. That sounds so pathetic, but I hate dealing with automotive infirmities.

      We also had an interesting conversation afterwards where he essentially hit on me. I have mixed feelings about that. Well it did lead to some more meaningful exchange about our relationship and our daughter. I told him about her bedtime breakdown last week and he definitely reacted when I related some things she said. So though he didn't admit, I think something "clicked" about what set that off in her and he was appropriately concerned & said he'd make sure she didn't overhear anything upsetting in the future. He apologized about Saturday. I think he really does regret not answering the phone and not helping when I was sick, but stuck to the phone problem story. He seemed so sincere that I actually feel guilty and petty doubting it, when I know it's not true. It's a small thing, but showed me he hasn't changed, isn't ever gonna either.

     Picked up DD a bit early so that we could shop for a few necessities. She was overall well behaved but did whine a lot for me to get her several things. I was in a calm enough mood to just talk her out of it with reminders that she got to choose 1 and had asked me to take her to the dollar store to pick it out. I flatly refused to buy candy and finally threatened to get her nothing if she didn't stop whining. Fortunately at that point we were checked out and I did take her to the dollar store to pick something out. She got pom-poms and was cheering the rest of the evening. lol I refused to buy candy again and she wisely let it go quietly.

     I'd gotten a roasted chicken for supper and served it with a green salad. DD ate both appreciatively and didn't ask for dessert. I think she was full. At bedtime she picked a Dr. Seus book for us to read. A few minutes later she came out for a potty break and tried to engage me in paying more attention to her and wringing some more time out of the bedtime rituals. I did give her some attention, talked to her and tucked her back into bed, got her a drink of milk. But then extricated myself with the admonishment that she needed to stay in bed! She did and apparantly fell asleep without any more delaying tactics. :)