Journal

Haven't written in a while so I am definately overdue. Just back from the Men's step group. I am greting so much from it. It has been really helpful in that I am learning to interact with straight men and even more, to trust stright men. Tonight was the first night I realized I am really starting to feel " a part of". In fact, this morning I was joking and playig around and extra social and even took a few numbers.

As I listened to the men I realized that I find the integrity and dedication I see in them to be very sexy and attractive. Intersting that it is a different appreciation in that it isn't necesarily sexual, just a new appreciation for different attributes than I usually seek. I am really enjoying conecting with these guiys on these deeper levels, and there is a sense of intimacy that is so fulfilling. I was actually sad leaving the meting tonight because I don't want it to end. As I delve deeper into these esteemable and satisfying relationships the lust issue subsides a bit as I see how a random hook up would pail in comparison. I even feel a bit nurtured in the room, and that is something I didn't get enough of from my father, who, as an alcoholic himself, was unequipped to provided much on my account.

Have to write a quick note about today. I was called upon to assist with a group of guys in babysitting a guy as he goes through detox. It was so hard and ugly. he was so beaten and looked like hell. I fekt so bad for him. he would have died ha it not been for Mark steppng in. I hadn't ever seen DT's and it looked horrid. I suggested we get him up and made his bed. John made soup, we all sat around his bed, just like the old AA painting of Bob, Bill, and Ebbie. It was so powerful. When I arrived it was John and Tom, then Jim and Greg, then Paul came. I am so proud to have been a part of it.

I a also thrilled to see I have 14 days, not 12! I think Greg has 14 days also.