Journal

Damn, i was doing soo well, cruising through life, liking my new look, muscles starting to "pop" & then boom today i hit a wall.

i think it is because i have to take this blasted final exam for a refresher course & i am scared that i won't pass.

so here it goes again: self-fear

tip that domino then the rest come falling down leaving me no place to go but back to my safety.

my safety, also my nemisis, keeps me hidden away so i don't have to face the real world which is just too difficult right now.

i wish people understood me better, understood my life.

i spent most of today looking at images of anorexic women, instead of studying, & i liked the images.

hope this is just a bad hormone day & not the start of something else.

oh, i could just cry.

i think i will.

i awoke this morning with a better feeling and am trying to hold onto this.  went to work but only had one patient so i finished early and am going to try to get to the gym earlier than usual. my trainer cancelled today so the workout maybe a bit more difficult. i actually sent an e-mail off to some new career move i might want to take. keeping quiet about it because if my so gets wind he will have a fit. he just expects me to fit into this nurse mold which just is crippling &,oh, incidentally we do not get along. at all. i tried to phone my shrink to get in earlier this week but the blasted line is always busy, guess everybody feels crappy.

i have an airline ticket to the beach for a couple days in march & am wondering if i should go? my so will have a fit if i leave because he doesn't know about it but i really need some serenity, toes in the sand, but, also don't know if i trust my mood. i will be alone which on one hand is good (my homelife, even though it is only my so and two cats) is so riddled and stressful so it would be peaceful but might be just too desolate & lonely.