iwas maniac but now i have been …
iwas maniac but now i have been depressed i need friends to talk to i have no one here who …
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nursedeborah 
2:52pm, June 27, 2009
I just read a journal of a friend of mine who is saying that if tomorrow isn't beter she will end it all, and also said tha Gos calls His children home. I have worked in the psych area for a very long time, and now have my own Mental Health issues too. I am so sadden by what I wrote, and angry too. I hate when others see no other way out other than to kill themselves. I wonder if this person even has a therapist, a shrink? If so are they aware of this person pain?
I have had the thoughts, but never a plan. I learned that a long time ago that everyone has thought about checking out at sometime in their lives, but not wanting to kill themselves really. They are just in a really bad place in their lives, and in emotional pain, and want out of that. It, or life just gets to heavy, and one feels overwhelmed to be able to handle it all. Then as you work through the thins that are in front of you, and one by one you get them accomplished you realize you were able to do it!!
Do not take tis the wrong way, but I get angry sometimes at the ones wo do check out by killing themselves. I have had to go through so much crap in my life, and have not followed through with that option. Oh like I sais I have thought about it, but it's a permanate solution to a temporary problem. It is anger turned inward. Homicide is anger turned outward. Just thought I'd throw that it there. I do get mad because I have had to stay here, and deal with all the problems, and pain that I have, and not take the easy way out. That sounds so cold on my part as these people are in so much emoitional pain, and need so much help I know that!!!!
I just think of all the pain, emotional/physical that I have had to go through in the past 4 years, and it has been hell for me. I have lost everything. My nursing job, was robbed of everything, can never work again, oh not to mention the pain I live in that they can't seem to find anything that will stop it. I am not exactally living a terrific life, but I do the best I can everyday. I can't do much either, but do what I can.
I just get tired of people who really complain all the time, and don't try to do things tht will help them. This isnot about the person who wants to kill herself, or anyone here. This is just someting I have noticed, even in myself. I want a new apartment, but it's like i think it will just come to me. I have to get out,and look for it. The hard part is my back hurts, money, and my anxiety all play a factor.
Guess I really need to write more as I don' do this on a regular basis, and have so much crap that Ikeep inside. I need to get it out in the open. Journaling is "Neurosis On Paper" as I used to teach it. You get it out of your head down your arm down the pen, and onto the paper, then it's better!!!
Well I think I feel a bit better, I don't want people to judge me on this, so if you don't have anything nic to say, please don't, I am way tooooo sensitive still. I am working on that too.
Debbie
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Debbie, I feel the same way that you do. We must be twins. Only mine has been going on for 14 years. And today I went to visit my pain dr and he was not there, but a different guy filling in now and again and he accused me of basically being a drug addict. I almost bopped him. Snotty nosed kid. My regular doctor know how hard I have worked to get off of pain med and how hard I have worked to get down to the level I am at, even if I am stilll in pain, I just hate being cloudy and sleepy, I want to get going. This guy was a total jerk and he lucky I didn;t kick him and make him a soprano. ARRRGG! I know exactly how you feel, I don't think you are cold, I know how hard it its, and I am with you all the way. Love, MJs
SweetestPea
SweetPea,
That's why I refuse to go to Pain Management Clinics!
I have only had one great doctor, and he was the one I had prior to my surgery, but now he is so far for me to drive to see.
I now just see my regular doctor, and he knows my psych background, and how it just destroys me to go to those places. They do treat you like your a drug addict. I always took my meds with me so they coud count the flipping pills, and patches, and liquid, and they were like looking at me like I was weird or something. Their other patiens didn't do that, well not all of them. I was not the only honest one there.
I am n AA, and I have never taken more that what he has ordered. I have so much left over each month tha I have botttles of the stuff in my underware drawer.
I also have bottles of the liquid Morphine tha I have ye to use, and left over Fentanly patches when I get my new refills. I never want that life I had before. My doctor even shows my pupils to the interns tha work with him, and say "see, her pupils are not even dilated, and she is on such high does of
Fentanly, and also on Ms Contin 60 mg q am, and I could take it again if I wanted to, but I don't. I have been on that does over 5 years, and have never increased it. The Fentanly Patches are the only things that have been increased, and that was done very slowly. The last time it was increased was a year ago or more. It will be a very long time before I allow him to increase it. I am never groggy, sleepy or nod because of my meds. I again do not want anything that reminds me of my drugging days, tha would just give me too much anxiety.
hat is another very long story in itself, one I should write about, and how God heled me to stop.
Well thanks for your input, sorry you had that awful experience, I would find another place to go. I would never go back there. You did tell me once you were on Oxy 200 mg and thatt is an awfully high does of that medication. I am nt accusing you of anything, but it is an extremely high dose. I have never ever heard of anyone ever being on that dose in all my years of nursing. You do know that Oxy is just like Percodan, and 40 mg would = 9 Percodan, so think about what you taking!!! That's quite a bit of medication. I know when I take those kinds of meds they do make me hyper, and I used to do all kids of cleaning, and would wallpaper the house, mow the yard, and I even put in a garden the size of well it was huge, but it was only due to the meds. When I had surgery, my daughter even told the nurse to make sure to put on my Allerge list Vicodin, and the then went on to tell her that if I had it I would paint her house.
I am not saying that you have a problem!!!!! Don't take me the wrong way. I just worry about everyone, but especially you. I know your in so much pain, and wanting to get your first home pefect!!!
Just take it easy PLEASE!!!
Love,
Debbie
Come back to Healing Heart's We all miss the both of you!!!
nursedeborah