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fullambermoon 
10:44pm, February 2, 2009
I am sad, Me and my X have not talked in over a month and tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am sad about the traditions we had and now I am alone. I feel lonely and vulnerable. I miss him and love him, he is so lost and into drugs. And I am so lost in my codependences in him...I saw him driving the other day at 7am when I was going to work and he was obviously just going home from his night out with his new crowd of friends. He has abandoned all of the people that truly love him and wan ttot help him and only hangs out with this group of druggies which is bringing him down. He had everything going for him, a house, a loving wife, a great family, and a great job. Now he has only his family who seem to be taking a side line action to this when I am going out of my mind with worry. Why is it when you have everything in your grasps and in one second it is all gone just with a slip of a finger? I miss him like I can not explain my heart is aching. Christmas; my first time with out him in 10 years. How hard will this be? How much more can my heart take?
Comments
Dear friend,
i am so so so so soooooo very sorry for you sadness and pain! :(
i can totally relate with what you are going through...... last year, it was my first xmas without my husband, he was in rehab at the other end of the coast... and he didn't even cal or send me a cad that year it was so hard, and this year.... things are so difficult this year, their isn't a tree, nothin.... i know he's going to visit with family for xmas but i don't feel comfortable with them so don't know if i'm gonna go... anyway it's a rough holiday year, i'm not into it at all.
so understand your codependency of him, i am a very codependent of my husband... i just want him to be healthy etc... but i have no control over it... and at the same time, i wish he'd care about me too, but he's too into his own bubble/addiction/own double life with his druggy friends to care.....
i am so sorry that you have to feel this pain, again, because i feel the same pain. i really hope he wakes up and realizes whats going on..... but if he doesn't, i do wish you all the best and hope you can find happiness..... if this xmas is too hard, just maybe you could try to take it eazy relax and not to the whole usual BIG DEAL .... i don't know it's up to you. i just hope you take care of yourself because this evil awful "disease" (or so they call it)... makes the families (wife's/girl friends), and good close friends sick too, it can drive you crazy, make you depressed etc....... i know this is all making me "sick" i sometimes don't wanna live anymore, i have lots of anxiety, i'm always stressed about money problems, expecting bad news ALL the time... etc.........
anyway write as much as you want, i'm here for you..... try to take it one day at a time, and remember it's outta your control (i know its easier said than done, i have a hard time doing this) but really it's out of our hands.
i send you a big hug, you're a strong girl!
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