Journal Entry for July 21, 2009
July 21, 2009 11:58pm
I want to run away. I want a huge change. Most of the time things really aren't that bad, but I just don't feel happy and content. I am sick …
bcgold 
5:08pm, March 11, 2009
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About Me
bcgold
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About Me
I can't "chill"out and relax. I feel like I'm wasting my time when I hang out with people, I feel bored and have the need to do something crazy, usually drinking which can lead to drugs without much influence from other people. I rarely if ever say no if being asked. If I have stimulants in me I feel weird around people and have a hard time speaking. If I feel tired, I feel like go away your boring me. I am so afraid of being judged or thought of negitively that I don't do anything with anyone unless I am drinking or if they insist I come out. I like going to the movies, that way I don't have to talk. When hanging out with someone new, I felt like this person might think I'm full of shit, that they might not like me. A few months ago my psycologis tsuggested that I have a personality disorder.She didn�t say which one or what I should do about it. Not really fully understanding what she was talking about I didn�t really pay it much mind. After breaking down mentally or �relapsing� without being on medication as I seem to usually do, interest struck me to figure out what the doctor was talking about. I then began to look at personality disorders. I now see why it is do difficult to make a diagnosis. I think its very possible I have more then one�and I�m sure a lot of people do. The thing is I have felt for a long time that �something was wrong� and I�m not ok with feeling the way I feel. My mom brought home a book call �life at the border� by leland m.heller , m.d. . On the cover it says unstable relationships, empty, can�t trust, too much anger, don�t want to live, pain, black and white thinking , who am I, what do I want, drugs and alcohol , binge spending, impulsive, bored, fear of abandonment, binge eating, self hate, reckless driving, poor memory, self destruction , mood swings and a couple others, but the ones I mentioned don�t just talk to me they scream at me. I also checked out what the dsm-IV-tr criteria was for a diagnosis and I can say yes to #2, 3, 4, possibly 5, 6, and yes to 7. I don�t fully understand all the literature and I�m not saying forsure that I have this or that wrong with me, but alot of what I have been learning about sounds like me. It sure is cool to learn that my dysfunctional behavior has a name for it and it isn�t just me all alone in the world. I saw the same shrink for over a year, but never got a diagnosis. I have had a habit of acting like everything is ok, or not saying how I really felt.so there for really pushing away any possible help.my shrink won�t be seeing me anymore because he is moving. I will be referred to someone new. This seems like such a long process. I don�t see a point in doing so many things, but I have a problem with it and I want to change. I have had over 35 different jobs because nothing is good enough and I feel like I can�t do the things I want to do. I have such a fear of continuing to fail. I don�t really have any close friends because I don�t see a point in socializing or feel awkward around people, but I�m lonely and want to be a people person. I feel like I need to drink to feel comfortable. I drink to escape because I don�t feel right. I will do whatever is avalible in terms of drugs when I drink aswell. This seems like such a long process. I am hoping to connect with others that can relate personally and offer advice as what I should do and how to go about things. I believe the shrink thinks I have a Narcissistic personality disorder. I will have to ask again to be sure.I have been diagnosed with adhd and believed to have a learning disability.I have tried ritalin, dexadrine, welbutrin and one other that I cant recall, with not much success and having the side effects outweighing the benefits.I have struggled with depression for over ten years now and have ran through many different medications. I have also had trouble with sleeping the past three years and always feel tired. I have a very bad short term memory and certain things just don�t stick. I feel like I need to be doing something with myself, but I don�t know what to do. I�m not passionate about anything. I feel like I�m not capable of doing the things I really want to do. I seem to dislike everything or wonder why I�m doing what I�m doing and either quit or get fired. I feel so lost, I dont know who I am. I usually find it very hard to enjoy myself sitting around and socializing. There has to be a point in everything I do. Im always scratching at my head, I dont know why. Do you? If a girl likes me I tend to catch feeling really fast. I feel a strong connection to them. I'm ready to say I love you when I barely know you. I cant help it though. I'm trying to learn about me because I want to change.
I can't "chill"out and relax. I feel like I'm wasting my time when I hang out with people, I feel bored and have the need to do something crazy, usually drinking which can lead to drugs without much influence from other people. I rarely if ever say no if being asked. If I have stimulants in me I feel weird around people and have a hard time speaking. If I feel tired, I feel like go away your boring me. I am so afraid of being judged or thought of negitively that I don't do anything with anyone unless
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Interests
reading...."Mind over mood-change how you feel by changing the way you think" by Greenberger and Pedesky skill training manual for B.P.D. by Lineham When perfect isnt enough by Antony "Choosing to Live, how to deat suicide through cognitive therapy by Ellis " Overcoming low self esteem", a self help guide using C.B.T "The dark side of the light chasers" by Ford "Overcoming depression" by Gilbert
reading...."Mind over mood-change how you feel by changing the way you think" by Greenberger and Pedesky
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Journal
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Journal Entry for June 17, 2009
June 17, 2009 1:21am
With all that I haved learned and continue to learn, I still feel crazy a lot of the time. Like something just isn't right. I also think everyone …
This entry is private
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Journal Entry for March 11, 2009
March 11, 2009 5:06pm
I haven't been in the gym much to do any fight training since Sept. I leave the picture up because I am thankful to the people who showed support …
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Journal Entry for January 16, 2009
January 16, 2009 11:17pm
I can't really figure out what I'm feeling. I think maybe its overwhelmed...if that's a feeling. That's what happens before I drink. …
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Hugbook
Hug
Goodmorning hope you have a great weekend!
Hug
Like I said your not alone.. I totally relate.. a lot with the drugs thing...I self medicate a lot.. blessed be..
I’m With You
there has been a few times i ve been a bit glad i have cfs when all i do is sleep for days and days as it is a sort of a comfeter knowing i don t have to worry or be anxious about the world outside. do you ever feel like this?
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Hug
I totally know how you feel, I feel the same way... Hang in there, you are not alone..
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Hug
all i know is i feel scared all the time for no reason and if the fear leaves me which it sometimes does it is replaced with unhappiness its like the song says i m tired of living and scared of dying poor old man river i feel the same
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Support Groups
Close Personality Disorders
Type: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)I think I am borderline,Avoidant. my shrink thinks I'm narrcisistic. have been struggling with depression for over 11 years now, got diagnosed with adhd. I dont think thats the problem though and I really need some help.
Close Depression
Treatments
- Celexa Working / Worked
- I have taken Celexa on two different occasions and I think it increased the suicidal thoughts. Gave me a shitty outlook on everything and made me even more mental. Like painfully obvious.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Working / Worked
- Effexor Working / Worked
- Was pretty good. I liked how it gave me energy. Didnt help all that much with anxiety though. I also think it kept me awake when trying to sleep.
- Lexapro Working / Worked
- I am taking Cipralex right now. I was doing alot of good things listening to positive people, C.B.T. and the Cipralex seemed to be working. Then I did things that I shouldn't have done and now I feel like the complete opposite. With the thought of suicide always on my mind.
- Meditation Working / Worked
- Paxil Working / Worked
- Initially I think it worked pretty good. Made me happy , but I dont know why. Downside was I think I could sleep forever on it.
- Prozac Working / Worked
- I didnt stay on Prozac for very long because I felt it made me tired.
- Seroquel Working / Worked
- Trazodone Working / Worked
- Only works if you take it with food. made me feel more congested. if you wake up you feel like your head is spinning. Only knocks you out,doesnt keep you asleep or increase the quality of your sleep.
- Wellbutrin Working / Worked
- Tried it before. Didnt stay on it for very long because I felt that it made me tired. I know its supposed to do the opposite. I started taking it again dec 3.
- Writing Working / Worked
- Is a pain in the ass because you have to do work...but it has been great so far.
- Zoloft Working / Worked
- I think this made me tired so I didnt take it for long.
Open ADHD / ADD
Treatments
- Adderall Working / Worked
- Dexedrine Working / Worked
- Ritalin Working / Worked
- Wellbutrin Working / Worked
Open Alcoholism
Treatments
- AA Meetings Working / Worked
- Cold Turkey Working / Worked
- Detox Working / Worked
Open Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Treatments
Open Food Allergies
Not sure what I'm allergic to. or if I should say it's an allergy, but certain foods seem to make me instantly more congested.
Open Insomnia
Treatments
- Ativan Working / Worked
- Counting Sheep Working / Worked
- Meditation Working / Worked
- Music Working / Worked
- Reading Working / Worked
- Trazodone Working / Worked
- Valerian Working / Worked
