mamacow2's Journal

Well, Dear Journal, it's been awhile.  (Bet you were glad lol)

I was too depressed to even try to find the word to think to write.  Can't say I'm too much better, but.... it's.... just time, sigh... I guess to update.

Last night, hubby and I got home late from our trip over snowy mtn passes from seeing the DIME doc for follow-up after having all those tests.  He was surprised (is that spelled right?) that I didn't have the shots in the neck that he wanted me to have.  I couldn't quit crying.  I was a mess.  Poor guy.  He asked me if I was depressed.  I told him no.  I was mad.  I just told him the truth.  I told him I tried my best on all those tests and that the docs didn't understand and that alot of the reports had errors.  (One even stated I was working for a LAWN CARE COMPANY when I had my accident!)  My hubby and I told him about the doc that got into an argument with hubby over weather causing migraines and how the one got mad when I fell asleep on him 2x when he kept pushing me to do the psych testing.  (My brain shuts down after so much reading and numbers and such and the guy just kept pushing and pushing and pushing and I kept asking for small breaks and he kept refusing and just pushing until I just shut down and had to sleep.)  Well I guess I failed those tests so he said I didn't even try.  :-(

I did try.  We told yesterday's doc that before the EEG, I had gone off all the meds for 5 days (not good ones for poor hubby) so we could see what my brain was really doing so when the doc (who we never met) read report of EEG stated that the spikes were due to the meds I was on, what did that really mean?  He said he'd review it.

We also told him that we were upset because the main test doc said that we were just after $ and how could that be since we weren't receiving any $ and that when their lawyer offered us $ instead of doing the tests we told them we didn't want the $, we wanted the tests to see why my face goes numb, why my skull hurts, my I fall to the right, what can we do for the migraines, etc., you'd of thot hubby had slapped him.  He couldn't believe the insurance lawyer had offered us $ not to have the tests.  He asked us if we had insurance, we told him no.

He seemed amazed that I am teaching myself math or maybe that I am teaching myself 1st and 2nd grade.  I told him I'm into the first part of 3rd now.  I don't know what he was asking.   I used to teach algebra.  I'm thankful that I can do that much math again!!!  I told him about Cirsa cancelling the neuro apt and that since I can't play the piano anymore, I may just sell mine and go to the neuro after this is all over with anyway like my doc wants me to.  He never said anything.

We left it in God's hands.  But all night and this am I keep sitting on the proverbial dock, fishing for things I said, trying to chum with things I should have said.  I should have reminded him, I mean, does he know what I used to do?  He said to get a hobby.  does he know that I used to run a B&B, a craft studio, tutor students, teach pre-music appreciation, piano lessons, crafts, beginning art, elementary, middle school, high school, english, math, history, electives, was a writer, developed afterschool, summer, & rec programs for at-risk youth?  Does he know that I've traveled to several countries and now get lost going home from Church????  Does he know that I've been published over 70 times and yet I forget my name?  (Just for a second, but it can be a long second especially when it's to an international inspector!  lol  I got patted down in NZ by a nice 6'2" customs lady officer because I hesitated.  :-)  )

I give it all to you Jesus.  Your will.  Your outcome.  Your provision.  Let me concentrate on YOU!  Let me think on YOU!  Let me meditate on YOU!  Let me worship YOU!  Let me spend my time praising YOU!!!  2 weeks will go by anyway.  Let me spend them with YOU, not worrying.  I cast this care on YOU!!!  Your shoulders are bigger.  I crawl up on Your lap and snuggle in while this mess is at Your feet Lord.  Thank You for taking care of it for me.  I love You so much Lord.  Thank YOU!  Thank You for Aspen, too!  :-)  Bless her!  Heal her!  Be with her Mom.  Let her find You, O' Lord!  Send her, angels and Messengers to guide her to You, please, Lord!  I love You, Lord Jesus!  thank You.!

ps  we all have colds  :-(  that's the other sniffles