Vanity's Journal

After all the stuff going on with me recently, I got really down yesterday. I had a call from the DI involved in my case, and she is so lovely, and said she would support me if I wanted to object to doing the re-trial I could give it a go. However, she had to make me aware that the CPS could still decline and in worse case scenario is subpoena me. It's not that I don't want him to get convicted - as obviously I want him punished - but I am worried about my mental and physical and health and what this could do to my studies and job search. I am thinking that I will do it - as I am determined to have him go down for it, and to honst it would seem easier to just go with it, and I worry I will regret it and not get closure if I don't go ahead.

Anyway, I was out with friends last night, wasn't really int he mood, but it was important to my friend. Half way through the night I went outside to have a cigarette, and saw a guy who looked like my attacker. Now I had blocked out how he looked and seeing this guy brought it back. I had a serious panic attack and had to leave.

I had been texting this guy who I had gone on a date with and he is lovely, we talk everyday (he lives in a different city, but works in my city every other week or so) And it just seems we have gone into the phase of 'seeing each other', or at least it seems we are going that way. He's the first guy I have really liked and felt comfortable around (well apart from a couple of male friends). You know when you just click with someone and feel trusting and comfortable with them? Anyway, I had been snappy with him and I apologised saying that I had had some bad news that day and was in a bad mood so I was going home from my night out. He was really sweet and was texting me saying 'I'm worried about you' etc. He tried to call me, but I was in the taxi home and also couldn't face talking on the phone as I was all upset and didnt want him to hear how upset I was. Anyway, I ended up telling him what it was all about, and to my surprise he was totally cool about it, acting just how I wish everyone would. Non-phased, but caring; worried about me and disgusted at the bloke who did it, but not judging me; still seeing me as he always had and not doing that really frustrating 'feeling sorry' for me or 'pitying me' that can make you feel labelled as 'victim' and nothing else. He was so sweet. He acted more nicely about it than some people I know! I was so touched. IT meant a lot.

We were chatting on the hpone this morning and it was all normal - sometimes that's just what you need. To be you, not the pitied 'victim' whop everyone sees differently...as the 'rape victim', not just the persopn you are who happened to have this horrible experience in her past. He wasn't put off seeing me even though the re-trial is happening relatively soon.

It was so refreshing and made me trust him and like him more. It was just what I needed.

It's little things like how someone reacts that make all the difference to how you feel about yourself regarding this experience.

It made me feel in a better mood  :)