Journal

Hi guys,

Sorry I've been away - had so much going and and been a bit down.

The major thing which I found out recently is that a young close relative was also raped last year around the same time I was by someone she knows. No-one knew in the family apart from her Mum, Dad and Sister. I almost threw up when I found out. I just felt so shocked and angry. She was child - 2 yrs underage (by UK law - it's 16 age of consent here) and she has to see the guy who did it to here nearly everyday (not sa relative or anything, just someone in her area). I just couldn't cope with it. For one, I hate the thought of anyone hurting her - and I know the kind of pain she must have been, and most likely still is going through. Also, I feel kind of bad cos I felt angry for 2 more kiind of selfish reasons - it brought up flashbacks of my attack, and I couldn't believe that so much could happen to the women in my family (other types of things have happened in the past). I jut felt so disgusted and angry that a person could do that to an innocent young girl. I mean I am 22 and it nearly destroyed me and still plaques me after more than a year - how would a young teen - essentially a child deal with this?

I feel so bad that we didn't know and I couldn't help, but certain family rows and issues men that it is difficult for us to have contact with her. Plus I understand wholeheartedly that as a victim of that kind of attack you don't want many people, if any, to know and it is harder in a way to tell those closest to you sometimes.

The problem is I can't speak to her about it and show my understanding, as we didn't find out from her, but from a member of her immediate family (i.e - mother) and so she doesn't know that me and my mother know. I wish I could reach out and tell her I understand and be there for her. But I also know the feeling of having someone tell you they know when you didnt choose to tell them.

I just can't believe it - I'm still in shock and feel so angry and frustrated.

I am feeling so many things that my head is spinning!

I am sorry I have been away a while. I've been dealing with a lot of issues and just needed some time to myself away from everything (*in 'real' life and 'online' life). I hope you are all well and ~I am back if anyone needs me :)

I am pretty happy as I've been out more seeing friends (probably still drinking too much though). I am feeling less lonely.

I spoke before about a guy I met. We are now 'official' and I am so happy. We get on so well and have such a nice time. And for the first time in a long while I feel comfortable having sex, and more importantly 'cuddling' and being intimate. I relax around him and feel I can trust him. He knows about all that is going on (the case) and some of my past (abuse by partners etc) and has taken it in his stride and doesn't seem to see me any differently. He has been there for me and spoken to me when I needed him, and what I really like is that he doesn't bring anything up and treats me normally unless I need to talk to him about things.

I am so happy. I get a few issues from my friends as I tend to go for older guys - and this guy is 19 yrs my senior (I am 22 and he is 41). He is not the kind who chases after young girls and the age gap isn't something we feel or even notice most of the time. I am a mature 22 yr old, with a lot of (positive and negative) life experience and he is a young minded, energeticx guy. We just get on and feel happy - so I don't see a problem with it. I can understand my friends' concerns, and it is sweet they care - but it is not like it is how they see it.

I am happy and I don't really care what they think - they haven't met him and only see it in cliche, pre-judged terms.

How I feel is all that matters, especially after everything I have been through. It is refreshing to be able to not care so much what other people think :)

As per my journal the other day - I had another 'confrontation' with my friend who was insensitive and told somone about my attack. I had tried to 'make up' with her and talk about things but she had been ignoring me. But as it is the Rugby 6 nations today - a big deal here in Wales - and she is quite into Rigby, I thought I'd text her and see how she was and what she was doing for it. Well, I wish I hadn't bothered!

I text her: '[Her name], r we ok? After I told you how I felt you've gone really quiet with me?Btw, what r u doing for the rugby today?x x x'

This is what I got back: 'Jess, I am in London for a job interview. I don't have time for another of your dramas! Please just give it a damn rest!'

Am I weird in that this upsets me? Why do I have to say sorry for her being insensitive. And even when I do she has a go at me - like it's 'just' a drama!!! She was a witness - had to go to court, so how can she not understand how this feels for me? I didn't expect her to talk over things with me, I very rarely have asked her to 'be there' for me or anythign like that. In fact, I talk about it all pretty 'matter of factly' (apparently a pretty normal PTSD type response to things - I have major dissociation with the whole thing). I can't believe that someone who saw how much of a state I was in that night, and has been to court so can understand at least a fraction of how stressful that was for me - can be this insensitive.

It's the whole thing that people think that after a certain amount of time you should be 'over' it. I even told her the 'anniversary' was getting to me - and she didn't seem to care.

I think I was quite justified in sending this back:

'Og for god sake, I am just trying to be nice. I wasn't having a drama before, only telling you how I felt as I thought you were being pretty insenstitive to my feelings. God lu7ck with your interview'.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just adds so much to all the feelings of anger inside.