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tmicdownton 
1:52pm, October 21, 2009
As much as I've complained lately, I know how blessed I am. I haven't been to church in weeks, so maybe that is why I feel such a disconnect to me feeling happy. That is the thing. I am happy - VERY happy, but never satisfied. Why is that? I have a loving husband who would do anything for me and his family, have my daughter living back with me in Austin and I finally have my baby with DH that we so desperately wanted.
As I am sitting here on my bed watching my 2 months old son smile, I can't help but to feel a waive of guilt for being negative 80% of the time. DH even told me that he can't handle me being mad at him all the time. It's true - I am. In my own defense I will say that he takes on WAY too much with us having our business to run, a new baby, construction (unfinished master bath for almost 6 months), + the day-to-day stuff that gets ignored. I guess I need to figure out how to deal with everything and be the best mom and wife that I can be given any circumstance.
Update - Landon is 13.6 lbs and 24 1/2". My miracle baby is growing strong!
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Oh, the trials of being a Mommy, Wife, Boss, Friend, Daughter, Daughter-In-Law, etc. I feel lately like I am the Mr. Gumby man! I am having so many issues, but I mostly keep them too myself. Being a new Mommy and a Mommy to my 11-year-old daughter is quite the challenge. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t realize it would be like this. I feel like my heart is shattering into a million pieces trying to please everyone and trying to be functional for my company.
I tried bringing Landon to work with me, but it is always a disaster! He screams the entire time, poops on me or throws up his bottle on me. DH says he will “take him” for a day once a week, but I don’t trust that he will take care of him the way he needs to be taken care of. He will put him in the back office by himself and let him scream all day. Sorry, but relaxing while I know my baby is stressing is quite the paradox.
I am having issues with my daughter too. She wet the bed the night before last. She said it was due to a nightmare, but she hasn’t done that since she was 2. Now today she is trying to make her voice sound younger. I am doing everything I possibly can to make her feel loved and an equal member of the family, but I am obviously failing miserably. She also says that she feels like she isn’t doing “good enough” in school or living with me. The only things we ask her to do are the dishes and keeping her room picked up. She is frustrating and we get onto her quite a bit because she always acts clueless, so she can get away with not having to do her chores. I could go on and on, but I don’t have the energy to explain things deeper right now.
My in-laws have been here for a couple days, so that is a blessing. They take Landon for a few hours every night so DH and I can get caught up on sleep. They leave on Tuesday morning.
My family from Dallas (3 hours away by car of 45 mins away by flight) still haven’t bothered coming to meet the new baby. He isn’t all that new anymore – will be 8 weeks old tomorrow.
Ok, I’m done bitching! Thanks for everyone’s continued support. I hope I am as good of a friend to you all as you have been to me over the past couple years.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter that must have been quite distressing to you. Have you thought maybe about getting someone she can talk to to discuss what might be going on, it seems as though there is something deeper for her to have wet her bed, of course it could just be a one time thing but it is concerning that she's lowering her voice. I'm sure you've thought of that, the adjustment for her must be difficult, for you as well. I can't imagine. I find it hard enough to share my attention with my daughter, my husband and my dog, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to share that with an 11 year old who was so used to all of your attention. It may just take time.
I'm sorry you're family hasn't made the trip to come see your amazing baby, I don't know why family has to be so difficult you'd think that they should be the people that are the easiest to be around and they'd be the first to share in your happiness and comfort you in sadness but personally I have found the opposite.
Take care of yourself you're doing a great job, just remember to take some time to reflect on all you've done rather than look at all you're "not doing" us mom's don't do that enough.
BIG HUGS
Nothing much to report today. Landon is growing bigger every day - up to 10 1/2 lbs already! He loves his milk!!! He sleeps no more than 3 hours at a time during the night, so I feel like I am constantly up pumping, breast feeding or rocking him. This morning was nice; I actually got up to make my daughter french toast before she caught her bus at 6:45 am. I feel like we are getting into a groove: finally. Ryan stays up until around 1:00 AM with Landon and then Landon wakes me up around 2:30 or 3:00 am for food and then again around 5:00 or 6:00 am for another round. My daughter was sick and stayed home from school on Monday and Tuesday, but she went back today and seems to be all better. So scary with this flu running rampant. I am enjoying a quiet moment in Landon's room watching him sleep and playing on the internet. Things with DH and I are much improved. Life is good!
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Keep seeking God, Tina. Your faith has gotten you this far and will continue to help you get past the peaks and valleys in life. Don't let your heart be troubled. Cast your frustrations on Jesus. He cares for you, just like the rest of us!
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