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JulsMarie 
11:48am, March 7, 2009
Oh the pain! Yesterday would have been Nic's 22nd birthday. He should have been home with us celebrating. I was ok until I got on my facebook and started reading messages from friends. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. But it doesn't take away the pain. My family (parents, sisters & families) met us at the cemetary to send off 22 balloons. It felt like we just buried him all over again.
I make myself go to the cemetary for Nic, but I don't find a sense of peace there. When I go , the pain overtakes me. I feel like I can't breathe, I feel sick. I have figured out that we all stay super busy just to bury the pain because it's so horrible, we don't want to feel it. Will it always be this way? It's been 14 months. When do you start being able to think about it, and feel ok with it? When do you stop feeling like you can't breathe? The only way I can do that is to bury it and stay busy. When I am idle, or alone, or I let myself go to that place, it's overwhelming still. The longing to hear him and touch him, to just have him home is overwhelming. I know it does no good to long for him. Obviously he's not coming home, but why can't I stop?
I feel like we all just go throught the motions each day. Sure we have good days, almost normal days. We laugh, we smile, we enjoy moments, we do normal things, but it's always there. When will I be able to just live my life again without the pain hovering over everything I do?
I miss you Nic. I love you more than anything, and I need to see you.
Comments
I looked to Heaven and wished Nic a blessed birthday. I am on the same page as you as Chris' birthday was Oct. 24th, he would be 30. I am still very teary and aching so deeply for my son to come back. But, as you said, they are not coming back.
Chris was cremated and his ashes are always close to me, but sometimes I wonder if that is not prolonging my pain, I just don't know. There is no manual on this path, it is unique for each of us. It has been 9 months since I lost my baby, and yes I laugh, I go about my day, the seasons have changed, but my broken heart hasn't.
love and light, Rebecca
rcoco
There is a hole in your heart. I don't think the pain will ever go away. It will get easier to move through the days.
I know I will always wish this life to be over and let me join my son.
AstridW
thank you for sharing. you said this all in a way i think we all feel and only a bereaved mother can say...........we go thru the motions but that ache and sadness is always there..........i see it with my 85 year old parents also, as i went over to help them with yardwork yesterday. we are struggling. i wish you peace, even a little bit. love, donna
misshimsooo
Happy Belated Birthday Nick. Julia, I think we will always have that longing to hear and to touch our children. We are mothers and that is our job. That need to mother doesn't go away when they do. Somedays it does feel like we go through the motions. Often times, we wait for happiness to find us, but we have to do our part and look for it too. Praying the pain won't always hover and it will lift and you can enjoy life. Much love. Robin
Robin4
I think the pain will always be here to some degree, but just not as bad as it once was. But the missing and longing to see them, will always be with us. The birthdays, and holidays just seem to bring on the pain a little more. Wishing you some peace my friend, Hugs, Kim
KimRW
Somewhere around the two year mark is when I started thinking...I want to enjoy things...really enjoy them. I don't think we ever stop hurting but somehow we choose to find a way towards happiness and then reach it at least periodically. I am sure it is different for everyone...but that is what happened for me...I hope that you will have hope that one day you will find some happiness...love and hugs..karen
biowoman
Oh my, I have no idea! I have passed my son, Michael's, first birthdate and now my own today. I face his first Angel day in 13 days. I come from a very cold family so there will be no get-togethers etc. I face it alone but that is okay. It is so weird. Sometimes at work, when I am outside, I pretend that I see my 6'3" tall son walking towards me. And then I wonder what the heck I am doing and go back inside to go to work. And try to hang on to my reality. Maybe that is all we can do. It is all different for us all, depending on our circumstances. Love, B
BinkyH
Happy birthday to Nick... I am glad you had some family and friends to share the day.. it is bittersweet that we have such support.. love to you..
munrogirl
I wish Nic a Happy Birthday! Honey, I do not believe we will ever get back to a life where the pain is not hoovering right above and around us.It is un natural for our children to die before we do. Our children are a part of us, even before they are born. I don't think we will ever be the same, anymore than a person would be who lost a leg or an arm. I believe we have more good days as the years pass. The pain becomes more manageable most of the time. Just take life one day at a time. Do the best you can. Laugh when you can, but cry if you need to. I will keep you in my prayers,Peggy
grndmudder
Oh your son is so handsome. I know how much you miss him. Max has been gonen 16 months and would be 21 so you and I have similar "anniversaries". One thought came to me recently and it seemed to help me turn a corner in my grieving "I can't cry or feel badly enough to ever bring Max back to me." So, I thought, why wouldn't I want to feel better while on this planet. Perhaps my thoughts may help you a bit. I hope so.
Gari