dihenry's Journal

Or not!

Saturday morning was wierd.  I woke up early and was shaking.  I took the last of my taper of steroids and my morning meds and sat back down to watch tv.  I started crying uncontrollably for no reason.  My heart felt like it would randomly flutter and then go back to normal....  SCARY!!!!

 I called the first nurse and the clinic and whatnot and ultimately ended up in the ER.  They gave me an anti-anxiety med and sent me home.

I was refered over to Dr. Nebbe the student health center's psychiatrist for a depression evaluation a couple weeks ago.  I really didn't know what to expect at that point.  Dr. Nebbe put me on generic Zoloft...  then I had the flare....

I had a wierd vivid nightmare in the middle of all that too....  If anyone has seen the movie The Ring.... well take the little girl, put her at my bedside...  you get the picture...  I have not had a nightmare like that since I was a little kid!!  Scary!  (and normally I am not the one to be scared by scary movies....  I am usually the meanie that makes fun of everyone when they jump and scream)

I told Dr. Nebbe about my nightmare and he increased my Zoloft.  At first I thought hey go along with it... hes the expert!  But then I started crying uncontrollably in front of the voc rehab lady later that day (Friday) for basically no reason.  Then what happened on Saturday morning was crazy!!!  They told me to quit taking the Zoloft and make an appt with Dr. Nebbe right away on Monday...

Except for the guy is out of the country right now!

I don't know what I need for meds...  I am no doctor.  I need something....  To me at this point its all labels and no real solutions....  I think that the doctors are trying to get me back to as close to normal as possible...  At this point I really don't care if you label my condition MS, Depression, Sleep disorder, metabolic syndrome, sciatica or any of the other labels that I either have or have had throughout the years....  Its just a label.  I care about are you going to find a solution....  instead of making one of my most mild problems worse!!!

I now have a new fear with all this....  I am afraid of losing control.  I am afraid that I am going to lose the part of my brain that has gotten me through life thus far despite everything that has gone on with my parents and family...  I am afraid of getting on a medication that will interact wierd with the other meds and losing control of my emotions and actions...  Ultimately I have to look out for myself.  I would rather be a little down about my MS than lose sanity and control!!

I haven't had the most glorious life in the world....  Mom with depression, parents divorced and all the drama that goes along with that.  I was picked on constantly in school because I was an individual who didn't give a shit or go to the football games or any of the things I was "supposed to" do.   But ultimately, thanks to skating and my real friends.....  I got my bachelors and I think I have done pretty damn good for myself!

It used to piss me off to no end when doctors would put me on anti-depressants just because I was fighting with my mom.  Mom was the one who was crazy not me!  I had genuine complaints anytime I would complain about migraines or dizzy spells.  The doctors didnt realize that my mom was just putting on a good show.  I think towards the end though the school realized that mom was putting on a good show for the doctors...  Heres this intelligent, college bound girl not living up to her potential and skipping class.  They knew me independent of Mom... 

All that shit I went through has given me a hard shell.  I learned where to expend all the negative energy at...   I mainly used it skating or playing raquetball. 

So back in March of 08 when I went to the doctor in my hometown complaining that I had back pain and that I wasn't walking right...  The first thing out of that doctors mouth was, "You've been through a lot with your Dad going into the nursing home and trying to find a job.  You are obviously depressed."  Fuck you doc!  You don't know me!  I never filled that prescription.

Instead I continued to fight with mom, take care of Dads affairs, and look for a job.  On the way to a job interview I stopped in Ames and got myself into grad school essentially as an undeclared student.  I ended up with an A in my first ever grad class summer 08....  Yeah I am a nerd...  and damn proud of it!  Depressed people don't generally disrupt their lives that much living out of a suitcase and still managing to get an A in the class!  Biotch!!

I hooked back up with my old doc from undergrad.....  The best doctor I have ever had!  She sent me to PT for the ankle and did her best to figure out what the hell was going on with my body.  I did the splitz showed up in her office and she sent me to the ER right away....  2 MRI's a ton of blood tests, a hospital stay and a spinal tap later...  MS....

I dont really even think getting the diagnosis of MS affected me as much...  it was more like the answer to all the problems I had previously.  I started school for the fall, started rebif and things were ok.... for a little bit till all the flareups!  Face it I am tough!

I don't really think I even got mildly depressed until the 4th flareup after I was diagnosed with MS...  Until then I viewed MS is just a royal pain in the ass that caused me to buy fun bandaids... You should see my collection!!!!

Now I do recognize the fact that I need something for depression/concentration...  Personally I think that counseling at this point would do the trick...  Maybe a pill...  but after what happened on Saturday, I am very hesitant to get a pill...  I have been through a lot in my life...  Granted MS is the hardest thing I have been through thus far...  I am tougher than the world gives me credit for...  The only people who see that are my best friends.

So yeah....  I hopefully should be starting on tysabri here pretty soon.  Hopefully all this other shit will just blow over after that...  Well I know it will blow over somehow...  the question is whether tysabri will do the trick...