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Sillie 
5:50am, June 3, 2009
It seems like the guys in this world are all drinking the same, toxic water. I know I've changed a lot this year, but I didn't realize it was anything special. I look quite a bit better than I did and I have a better attitude when I'm around people. But why is it that the guys I meet are all so hormonal??
There's Ryan who has always liked me, but now he's flat out asking to be my "friend with benefits." I'm not interested though, he's just not my type.
There's Hash, who's a total sweetie. But we hardly know eachother and yet he claims to like me so much.
There's Anthony, who I haven't spoken to since he made me feel horrible last year at school. He was a total jerk and suddenly he's IMing me all the time and asking if I would ever consider "fucking" him or dating him! It's rediculous, I haven't seen him in over a year!
There's the guys online. They all suddenly flock to me, telling me how perfect I would be for them if only they "knew me."
It's just so odd. I don't see what they see, obviously.
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I didn't go to the doctor today because I found out my Dad would be driving me. I refuse to drive with him, since even after his motorcycle crash he STILL drinks and drives. He's completely stupid.
And now we are almost out of food. We were going to get money this week and be able to go to the grocery store, but my Mom's entire paycheck is gone before we even got it. It all went to my Dad's overdraft fees, because he used the Visa when he knew not to. So that diet of mine just got more intense, to say the least.
I'm hurt. I haven't gotten out of bed all day simply because I'm avoiding him. I told my Mom she had to choose between me or him and she avoided it. So I'm avoiding them.
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when i was last in a car with a drunk driver they were passing round cokaine, so i thought fuck it im just going to take it because i thought i was going to die. your dad by the way sounds like an ass face... sorry but he dose. also if your hungry go to the shop (one with a food section on the out side) and tak what you can. just run with it. or be realy decreat. what i did is i toled my friend to make a distraction in side the shop. then i took all there grapes and most of there bread. i know its stealing but you need to survive. do it. just make sure its a shop you wont go to again.
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I am so sorry to see that you have to deal with shit such as this. What does your father say when you tell him how you are feeling and the negative ways in which his poor behavior negatively impacts you and your relationship with him? I know that you want to leave and I can see why... I obviously do not know all the circumstances with which you have to deal but, has he tried to get help? I think he needs to be told, perhaps repeatedly (from you, your mom, maybe a few other close friends and relatives) that he needs to get help, not only for himself but for the sake of his family. But be sure to do it with love, he is not himself when he is drinking...Have you want to Alnon or anything like that? It could help, maybe... just to give another perspective on things. I don't know if any of this rambling is helpful but I feel for you. I wish you the most luck and hope things work out, for your whole family.
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God am I ever sorry to hear about your ordeal... I remember hiding for days on end just to avoid my step dad but nothing like this.. Its one of those things I wish i could help you with but I guess we can only wish you the best and pray. If you believe in that sort of thing that is. Try to take care of yourself okay? I know its scary even to ride with your dad but.. well try asking your mom to take you next visit? To make sure you get it for sure.. Is there any other way you might be able to get food? Food stamps etc? I used to visit my dad in the summers and they didnt have allot of money to spread around so they did that.
Heres to the best for you,
please let me know how your doing. if you want to add me on msn its gr68901@hotmail.com and my name is Jordan.
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I understand this, but in time it will pass, just seek to improve on this so that your children won't know what this is like. Alcoholism is a pain, but this too will pass for you. Your father, well that is in his hands.
I am pretty sure I have a sinus infection so I'm going to the doctors on Friday. I hate doctors. I see all kinds of them, and all of them take blood, have me piss in a cup, put me under scans, or something else pointless. Then they put me on pills that make me sick and I take them until I'm done. Then a few months later it's back to being bad and I get back on more pills.
I just want the pain to go away.
So anyways, Mom is bringing Dad KFC. I don't want to spend money, so I'm going to have something at home. I'm trying to help my Mom save money. Once we loose our house, we will start fresh. I hope they take it soon, before something else happens to make life worse.
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Woooooooow... thats pretty intense. But hey! At least you know that your well liked right?... Erm... kinda scary how they all just flat out ask to "fuck".. O.o Carefull there. lol -hugs- Smile and wave lol smile and wave.
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