BettyB's Journal

Hello,

I am writing you this as you don't want to hear what I have to say.  I tried to say it last night, but you said that you didn't want to hear it.  You didn't want to hear any of that 'negative stuff'.  Any of that 'anger'.  Any of that 'bad mood'.

I feel so cut off when that happens.  Like I have to be quiet.  Like I am walking on eggshells.  That I am pretending.  I don't want to pretend anymore...................  I didn't used to have too.

You said that you hated that............that all I did was complain.  Funny, I thought we were sharing.  Working things out.  Being a couple.

You complain I don't clean.  I don't much.  I hate to clean.  It isn't appreciated.  We don't have a good group system for everyone doing it.  My mom came for awhile, but you hate that.  You don't want a cleaning lady though we have enough for a grass man.

I think the cleaning is also to get your attention that I am angry.  I hate to be ignored.

I hate that you won't go to counseling.  You don't want to be seen as the bad guy.  Hmmmmm.  Counseling can be hard.........no doubt.  I've done it for years.  Our relationship isn't even worth this??

It hurts that you call me a mental patient.  I am so much more than this illness.

I watch the tv............ a lot to escape.

I am angry that we have moved 3 times in the last 5 years.  You wanted to move all those times not me.  I miss the social connections.............

It hurts that our marriage is on the brink of divorce.  That you want me out in 10 days......... and after that you don't care where I go.  18 years of marriage.  None of it good you say.......  but I remember good times.  (sigh)

I feel really cheated that you don't even want to try counseling.  I feel really angry you don't want to listen to me.  You don't have to do counseling and you don't have to listen to me.