Journal

Well, last week I took three days off of work.  I work with my dad so I have a little room to take off time when I really really need it.  And this week I was sick and not put on the schedule till this weekend.  

I have to go in tonight.  I found myself trying to get out of it because last time I was there I just exploded and wasn't helpful at all.  Lots of cops are in there so it makes it even more stressful.  I just hope that I can put on a happy face, act hyper like I used to, joke, do my work, and not let anything get to me.

I sort of feel like everyone is aware of it... I am probably wrong but I still feel that way.

I am going to just try to suck it up and do my work and not let this stupid rape affect all of my life! 

10/31  About meeting my love

I'm so pensive about my future.

When will I meet him?

And will I get the shivers when we hold hands?

He's  out there.

I know he is.

Once I start putting myelf out there

will it come easily?

Will they still think I behold so much beauty?

Will his kiss make me thirsty for more

to feel his body against mine 

to touch hands

lock legs

and devour ourselves in eachother.

Will he become my truest friend?

Knowing the deepest details about one another.

Am I going to smile when I see him?

And will he smile the same?

Let me know when I meet this man.

Don't let me overlook it.

I want to be with him

and rest in his arms.

10/20/08

I can't deal with it anymore.

No matter what I do

How hard I try.

It's never enough.

I've done my best

and I thought that was good enough

But I'm constantly reminded 

of my mistakes.

By people who supposedly love me.

Though I may move on

It will never happen for them

They don't see the effort i've put forth

Because it isn't all typical.

I've changed my mind.

Allowed God into my soul.

Gotten up when I fel like giving up.

Go ahead and yell at me.

Your words can no longerhurt me.

I need not to rely on you anymore

But I thank you for being with me at my worst.

But just no longer can stay in the vicinity

For my own well-being

If I fall I do not expect you to catch me

I will just wipe off  the dirt

from my hands and knees.

And try again

I will allow myself chances.

Expect progress.

And love being my own rock.

It is time for me to try my hand 

at independence again

And now I am mentally prepared for it.

I'm strong enough.

And my happiness will be obtained 

through myself.

For myself is much more capable than you think.