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Pregnancy and the big rock bottom!
Okay so I feel like tonight, screw the book idea. I just want to type. I'm not really sure exactly how to make sense of my thoughts, so forgive me for my rambling, but I need to get it out, and at the same time show all of you what goes through the mind of a woman going through infertility.
My emotional state has really hit a rock bottom lately. I cry at "Preggo" sauce commercials, and as silly as it may sound, its not that funny. It seems like everywhere I look women are pregnant or have babies. It kills me, and it honestly feels like someone is taking a knife to my heart everytime.
Some of the things I am dealing with are, denial, anger, depression, insomnia, nightmere's. Now some people think that this is all a drama thing, but really its not. These issues go so much deeper then that, and honestly I feel like, if you havent been there, then you really have no idea.
As far as denial, I have tried to make myself numb to the fact that it will take us years to get pregnant, because of all that money. I want to believe that we could do it tomorrow and that everything will be okay, but I know its not and it wont until I see that first ultrasound. I have thought about options before that I never would have in the past, had this fertility issue never came up. I really am at a crossroads of confusion. I want this so bad that I feel like I am willing to risk anything to get the money to make it happen. What I mean by looking at options that I wouldnt have in the past, I mean Egg Donation. I have read and heard of women donating their eggs to other couples in return for their IVF process to be paid for, and I feel like that would be awesome, but at the same time, I am really scared about donating my eggs and knowing that I have biological kids out there somewhere and I will never get the chance to know them. But still on the other hand I feel like Big Daddy and I could have the baby that we have been waiting for over 4 years for. Its all so confusing and sometimes rather then sit down and weigh the options, it just resorts to more tears and frustration. It seems like everyone is pregnant and having babies anymore.
I will be honest, there have been issues that have come along with this fertility issue. Now I am being very open here so please do not judge me. Infertility can really mess with your mind. I am going through a stage with my denial that is making me buy more and more baby things, clothes, binkies, and even diapers sometimes. My rationalization is that I can use these things when the baby arrives. During these frequent shopping spells I am numb to the fact that it will take time and money to have these babies. And once I realize this, it is at that point that I start blaming myself for all the money I just spent on baby stuff that could have gone towards the baby fund. You would be surprised how packed my nursery is! I would be lucky if I could fit a baby in it. But thats part of this whole emotional process.
At the same time in my mind, every month something happens that brings me to my knees in tears. Thats right ladies, you guessed it, our monthly vistor. Well, it has gotten to a point that I am so emotionally rock bottom that everytime that happens my mind triggers it as a miscarriage. Now in my sane mind I know that is not what it is, but in my depression and emotional infertility mind, that is how it feels. Everytime that happens my heart drops, I lay on the bathroom floor and sob till I can no more, because here I am another month and no baby. What a way to face reality huh.
Moving on to anger, this fertility journey has made me into the person I never thought I would ever become. I have always looked at pregnant women as the most beautiful, precious, wonderful things in the world. Now it breaks my heart to see them. I just want to run and steal the baby from their tummy and place it in mine. Here is an example for you. It was a few months back and I was shopping in Target and I walked by the baby section, only to see a pretty, smiling pregnant woman standing in one of the aisles holding a baby blanket over her belly and talking to the little growing baby girl. She seemed so happy. I felt the tears well up and emmediatly ran to the bathroom. Poking and proding at the pain, laying in a heap of tears and runny mascara on the bathroom floor, waiting until I could clear up my face and go out to put on the same, I'm happy! I'm Smiley! show that I have done so often. As far as anger goes, its simply this: I love pregnant women, but hate the fact that they can do the deed and be done with it. It isnt that I hate them persay just the idea that they dont have to work so hard.
As far as my depression goes, its like this, my number one goal in life is to be a mommy. I went from wanting a house full of children to being blessed enough to have one, would be amazing. I cant watch a baby story anymore. It kills me to walk in my own nursery. I cant walk down the baby aisles in stores anymore, and pregnant women make me ball. So often I look at my belly and just cry. I poke it and rub it just wishing there was a little miracle of my own in there. And as I type this blog the tears are once again flowing enough to fill the grand canyon. This is the worst thing I have ever had to go through I think.
My insomnia is terrible. I am tired all the time from laying in bed at night, not being able to sleep, or waking up and not being able to go back to sleep. James often puts his hand on my belly as he holds me, when we fall asleep. I think then what if that little miracle were able to give him a nudge right now, just to say hey daddy I'm in here! I will wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there for what seems to be hours, tears flowing quietly, trying not to wake Big Daddy up. This is pretty bad, worst then most of my family and friends know.
When I can sleep I have been having terrible nightmere's. I had a dream that the doctors told James and I that we will never be able to have babies, and even worst I have dreamt that I have actaully had a baby and it died in my arms. They are so sad, and this pain is deeper then anything I have ever felt before.
But thats the main parts of it right now. Just trying to cope and get through each day, with a big smile and a fake I'm okay apperance, when in reality I am so sad sometimes and my heart hurts so bad that I think I may die right there in that moment.
Enough for now, but it feels good to get it out there. It has been bottled up for so long and I havent told anyone. So hopefully I will find out who my real friends are, the ones that read this.
I also have to say I apperciate all the love that my hubby has given me through all this, I know its not easy. He has been very motivating and helpful in lifting my spirits every now and then.
Also Nikki gurlie, you are amazing dont you ever forget it! We are on opposite sides of the depression spectrum, but know that I love you and hope you get better so soon. Your are the best sister a girl could have. I apperciate all your love and kindness. You really are in my thoughts and prayers more then you probably think.
Anyway, I am off to be with my hubby. Love to all and thanks for reading this. Maybe it will better educate some of you and give you some insight on how hard this can really be on some people.
I love you all!
Love, Am
P.S. I have bought a necklace of Saint Philomena (she is the saint you pray to for infertilities, infants and impossible causes) I will forever wear her on my neck.
Okay so I feel like tonight, screw the book idea. I just want to type. I'm not really sure exactly how to make sense of my thoughts, so forgive me for my rambling, but I need to get it out, and at the same time show all of you what goes through the mind of a woman going through infertility.
My emotional state has really hit a rock bottom lately. I cry at "Preggo" sauce commercials, and as silly as it may sound, its not that funny. It seems like everywhere I look women are pregnant or have babies. It kills me, and it honestly feels like someone is taking a knife to my heart everytime.
Some of the things I am dealing with are, denial, anger, depression, insomnia, nightmere's. Now some people think that this is all a drama thing, but really its not. These issues go so much deeper then that, and honestly I feel like, if you havent been there, then you really have no idea.
As far as denial, I have tried to make myself numb to the fact that it will take us years to get pregnant, because of all that money. I want to believe that we could do it tomorrow and that everything will be okay, but I know its not and it wont until I see that first ultrasound. I have thought about options before that I never would have in the past, had this fertility issue never came up. I really am at a crossroads of confusion. I want this so bad that I feel like I am willing to risk anything to get the money to make it happen. What I mean by looking at options that I wouldnt have in the past, I mean Egg Donation. I have read and heard of women donating their eggs to other couples in return for their IVF process to be paid for, and I feel like that would be awesome, but at the same time, I am really scared about donating my eggs and knowing that I have biological kids out there somewhere and I will never get the chance to know them. But still on the other hand I feel like Big Daddy and I could have the baby that we have been waiting for over 4 years for. Its all so confusing and sometimes rather then sit down and weigh the options, it just resorts to more tears and frustration. It seems like everyone is pregnant and having babies anymore.
I will be honest, there have been issues that have come along with this fertility issue. Now I am being very open here so please do not judge me. Infertility can really mess with your mind. I am going through a stage with my denial that is making me buy more and more baby things, clothes, binkies, and even diapers sometimes. My rationalization is that I can use these things when the baby arrives. During these frequent shopping spells I am numb to the fact that it will take time and money to have these babies. And once I realize this, it is at that point that I start blaming myself for all the money I just spent on baby stuff that could have gone towards the baby fund. You would be surprised how packed my nursery is! I would be lucky if I could fit a baby in it. But thats part of this whole emotional process.
At the same time in my mind, every month something happens that brings me to my knees in tears. Thats right ladies, you guessed it, our monthly vistor. Well, it has gotten to a point that I am so emotionally rock bottom that everytime that happens my mind triggers it as a miscarriage. Now in my sane mind I know that is not what it is, but in my depression and emotional infertility mind, that is how it feels. Everytime that happens my heart drops, I lay on the bathroom floor and sob till I can no more, because here I am another month and no baby. What a way to face reality huh.
Moving on to anger, this fertility journey has made me into the person I never thought I would ever become. I have always looked at pregnant women as the most beautiful, precious, wonderful things in the world. Now it breaks my heart to see them. I just want to run and steal the baby from their tummy and place it in mine. Here is an example for you. It was a few months back and I was shopping in Target and I walked by the baby section, only to see a pretty, smiling pregnant woman standing in one of the aisles holding a baby blanket over her belly and talking to the little growing baby girl. She seemed so happy. I felt the tears well up and emmediatly ran to the bathroom. Poking and proding at the pain, laying in a heap of tears and runny mascara on the bathroom floor, waiting until I could clear up my face and go out to put on the same, I'm happy! I'm Smiley! show that I have done so often. As far as anger goes, its simply this: I love pregnant women, but hate the fact that they can do the deed and be done with it. It isnt that I hate them persay just the idea that they dont have to work so hard.
As far as my depression goes, its like this, my number one goal in life is to be a mommy. I went from wanting a house full of children to being blessed enough to have one, would be amazing. I cant watch a baby story anymore. It kills me to walk in my own nursery. I cant walk down the baby aisles in stores anymore, and pregnant women make me ball. So often I look at my belly and just cry. I poke it and rub it just wishing there was a little miracle of my own in there. And as I type this blog the tears are once again flowing enough to fill the grand canyon. This is the worst thing I have ever had to go through I think.
My insomnia is terrible. I am tired all the time from laying in bed at night, not being able to sleep, or waking up and not being able to go back to sleep. James often puts his hand on my belly as he holds me, when we fall asleep. I think then what if that little miracle were able to give him a nudge right now, just to say hey daddy I'm in here! I will wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there for what seems to be hours, tears flowing quietly, trying not to wake Big Daddy up. This is pretty bad, worst then most of my family and friends know.
When I can sleep I have been having terrible nightmere's. I had a dream that the doctors told James and I that we will never be able to have babies, and even worst I have dreamt that I have actaully had a baby and it died in my arms. They are so sad, and this pain is deeper then anything I have ever felt before.
But thats the main parts of it right now. Just trying to cope and get through each day, with a big smile and a fake I'm okay apperance, when in reality I am so sad sometimes and my heart hurts so bad that I think I may die right there in that moment.
Enough for now, but it feels good to get it out there. It has been bottled up for so long and I havent told anyone. So hopefully I will find out who my real friends are, the ones that read this.
I also have to say I apperciate all the love that my hubby has given me through all this, I know its not easy. He has been very motivating and helpful in lifting my spirits every now and then.
Also Nikki gurlie, you are amazing dont you ever forget it! We are on opposite sides of the depression spectrum, but know that I love you and hope you get better so soon. Your are the best sister a girl could have. I apperciate all your love and kindness. You really are in my thoughts and prayers more then you probably think.
Anyway, I am off to be with my hubby. Love to all and thanks for reading this. Maybe it will better educate some of you and give you some insight on how hard this can really be on some people.
I love you all!
Love, Am
P.S. I have bought a necklace of Saint Philomena (she is the saint you pray to for infertilities, infants and impossible causes) I will forever wear her on my neck.
Comments
WOW. i have so many questions. i don't know where to start. i don't want to hurt you by asking anything. i will let you know i am here and i am real and i am a friend and a good one at that. i'll write you soon. love and hugs, meg
MEGNEEDSABABY
Hello. I dont know you, but I read your story and feel really sad for you. I was blessed with kids (I know u dont want to hear that) but people like you remained in my heart. So I looked into carrying another couples embryos, for people who couldn't carry their own! So I am on my 4th pregnancy for other couples. I have been drawn to people like you and have a mad desire to help everyone of you. Realistically I can't. But I like to support for, pray for, and be there for struggling couples. So now, you are a new friend to add to my prayer list. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish you the best of luck in becoming a mom. Nichole~~~~
MissChels
I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I appreciate your honesty. I feel angry and alone sometimes too. I have been trying to have a baby for 4 years and I think it gets harder as time goes on and you realize you still don't have a baby. My worst days are around my period. People don't realize how difficult dealing infertility is unless they have been through it. I constantly get the "relax and it will happen" speech. I also feel like everywhere I go someone is pregnant or talking about the babies they already have. I just try and stick to my faith and hope that one soon it will happen. As far as the cost of infertility goes, some states have programs that help pay some of the expense or they make insurances pay for some of it. I'm not sure about your state though. Unfortunately, my state doesn't provide any help. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers. I'm here if you need to talk.
LynnJ
Just know that all of this is a grieving process that you are going through. Hormones are powerful. I am sending you hugs and positive energy....
colored_cheerios
Just know that all of this is a grieving process that you are going through. Hormones are powerful. I am sending you hugs and positive energy....
colored_cheerios