Jaxiepoo's Journal

So I had a shitty week. Got in a bad car accident Saturday night, almost lost my best friend. My mom and I have been in a fued since last sunday. She accidently overdosed last night so I went to the hospital today for her. I love her so much. I realized that no matter how mad we were at each other, it was both our fault and it got fixed by fate. So she cracked me up today, we got her home. So then I had the house to myself cuz my grandparents went for a ride. Well, I was all happy-go-lucky and then all of a sudden I just got hit with a hard shot of depression and lonlieness. I just thought really hard about who I am, who I wanted to be and who I needed to be. I'm sick and tired of being so damn confused. Like, do I like guys or girls more? Do I really want another relationship? And if so, then what do I want in it? I keep telling everyone that I don't want to date and would rather just ''hook up'' but that's not me. Like, I don't like being in relationships becuase someone is ALWAYS bound to get hurt. I just really want a girl to be my homie, to hang out with me and be my best friend. Her way of saying 'i love you' would be her saying 'ima kick your ass in GTA' er sumthin like that. A cute skater chick, a tuffie but cutie who likes me for me and would rather fight me over what movie we're gonna cuddle to and watch instead of forcing me ta make out and be all over her. When I'm in da mood and ready ta make out, oh it's on lol but i don't want it to be all the time. I want her to hold hands and joke around with me, make me chase her and love her. That's what I really want, but lately I've been thinking about some of the guys I dated and some of the good moments we had. I generally hate guys because of society, it's not their fault I hate them so much, it's just what society makes them seem to be. Like, their seen as God and can get any girl and expects them to be their sex slave and shit if ya know what I mean.. Anyways, I keep thinking about my big tuffie boyfriends who would buy me things and cuddle with me and hold my hand. The sweeties that knew what to say and how to be with me and I just keep thinking about how much I liked to be held instead of being the one holdin my baby. I always wanted to be the cutie prep who all the aggie boys loved and hung out with. I wanted to be proud of who I was and have an amazing redneck boyfriend lol but obviously that dream got shattered. I know it sounds stupid but I just wanted to be the cute little daddy's girl who would go out farming with my grampa and grow up into ag cuz most of our aggie boys are so freaking hot!! lol I know I'm weird but I can't change that. I just don't know what I want and I keep thinking 19 years sounds like a long enough time to figure at least something out. But the older I get and the more I think, the more screwed over I get. Idk, I hate how I look and I'm working on that, I hate who I am and how I am but I don't know how to change that. I've messed up so much and threw away so much good stuff in my life. I regret everything becuase I'm an idiot and didn't make the best of it. I screwed up valuable precious moments in life and I will never get them back. I've broken so many people's trust, and question my own in myself. Idk what to do.. Anyway, kinda got sidetracked lol so today I was really depressed and just wanted someone to be with me. Well, my bestie Taylor called me and I swear that saved me right there. I talked to her THEN I talked my my homie Kelsey and I missed her soo much!! And then I was talking ta Jesse, Kelseys girl and she is so awesome! I am soo happy for them! :) So between tay and kelsey callin me back and forth and the people talking to me on myspace that really helped me. Then David, my bestie texted me, then Rose my mom's friend called me and i talked ta her fer a bit but kels and tay really helped me out i swear. So then When they both had to go i texted my other homie and she called me so I got to talk to her and I miss her soo much. THEN, Max commented me and I freaking love her!!!! So, I love my friends, they save me from insanity. I just want to say, thank you so much guys for saving me and being so amazing. I wish I could pay you all back in some way to show you how much I really do love you all.. Thank you for being there :) Well, I'm gonna stop here. Love ya all!!