Journal

I love the way she reacts to my touch. The way her breathing changes. Those loud sharp sighs inform me that Ive found a new spot to focus on. I live for that. For her. I feel a sense of closeness with her, a safe feeling as she saves me everyday. I feel we could conquer anything as a team for she is my escape. Discovering new adventures together, stealing a kiss or two, living in endless hugs. I share my secrets with her, she consumes my mind, stealing a front row spot in all of my thoughts. I love how her hand fits in mine, somehow it always finds me in the dark. She's truely crazy, and I love every bit of it. She knows me, my inner self, makes it easier to be. Her entertainment amuses me, makes me laugh when I almost lose the fight to tears. I feel her presence within me, as if we are the same living being. I want her so much, fight for control, she calms the beast within. She saves me, my Boo Bear.

So I'm just going to ramble and rant. If you don't like it, then don't read this. Simple as that. So I just want to say that if you really think that you NEED me in your life, think again. If you want me to be the one, think a little longer. Don't drop everything for me, don't change, don't expect everything out of me, because sooner or later, I'm bound to screw up. Don't plan anything that has to do with me, don't plan on me being in your future, if it happens it happens. Don't try to force me into your life. I'm sick of people making me feel bad, saying I'm the only one and no one else would ever make them as happy as I could. I get nervous way too easily. I'm very insecure, I hate feeling tied down. I constantly change my mind, so never think that you are going to set it for me. I hate set rules and restrictions, when they are set for me I just want to break them even more. I usually hide my feelings and hardly speak them out loud, because when I do, either someone will try to twist them, make me feel bad for having them, or totally ignore them. I like to help people, make them feel better when they are sad. I hate when people fall for me, because then I panic. Most of the time, I struggle with what I truely want or feel. I usaully want what I cant have, and it kills me when someone falls for me and I can't force myself to feel the same way, not that I should have to. I've temporarily given up on love and relationships, only because usually my heart's not in it. I'm usualy good with words, I can sooth a beast so to speak lol. I'm a cuddly hand holding hugging kind of girl. I'm really tall, around 6 feet, and a little on the bigger side, but just because I've got a big set doesn't mean that I'm going to kick your ass. I get so mad when people say they're scared of me or that I look intimidating. It kills me. I cannot do distance. I hate it. With everything in me. I'd rather have cuddle buddies who support me and are like my best friends than sit hopelessly in a relationship that I know is going to end up badly. I hate going out with someone because I know that one of us (or both usually) will end up hurt and I'd rather hurt myself before I hurt someone else. When something bothers me, I'll be the last one to actually say something about it. If you wanna know more, just ask.