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M3NTALLYLOST 
12:04pm, June 30, 2009
It is funny in someway I guess. I just noticed it’s happening again, another bad set of days, always around the military holidays. I am off this week like I subconsciously knew, or something. I have to put in for vacation in October for the next year at work. I had my worst of the worst break downs at the end of October. Anyway I have for the last two days tried to call anyone of my friends to just hangout with, and nothing. I stuck my head in the only online game “Warcraft”, and no relief. Told my husband I’m not doing good, a little help. I have been trying to find anything to do without seeing military, almost imposable. Tried to watch TV shows, every one a trigger, the faster I turn the channel the more quickly the triggers, almost as if the TV said one word on each channel to form a conscious sentence. I have been running through my playlist on the MP3, “Go,” “Deep,” and “SI,” I did try “Hope” but I just need to get it out, not keep it in. Hit the rubik’s cubes hard today, the 45min big on took 22min, that just means my anxiety level is really bad right now. I went and tried to go out to eat, that made it worst, military hair cuts every where, flags, flags, patriotic music on the radio, and more flags. I probably will not go to the fireworks tonight, still do not know if I can make it, that would tear up the kids if I don’t, so I’ll probably bite my lip and go. I need to take a shower before I go, but am having thoughts about SI, so I’ll just go stinky I guess. I know this all sounds down and depressing, but I just putting it out there and not keeping it, or hiding it. I’m choosing to tell it so I can be in a “healthy” bad and depressing mood, and not a hide in the bed “with my SI” bad and depressing mood. I will make it this week, one p^$$y moment and sh^77y thought at a time. Writing in journal, helped for now.
