M3NTALLYLOST's Journal

I am well all. Thank you each and everyone for the hugs and such. I have not been on DS since the Wednesday my Aunt died, not even a peek as I have been known to do.

This was something I could only work out for myself. The chaos that was within me was indescribable, the chaos coming at me from outside just as indescribable.

Just a few things I went thru – joy for the first time from the retreat, the pain of the loss of my Aunt, the only vehicle for three drivers gone, the first payment in seven years for a new used vehicle, my job firing six very close friends - two even got booked in as inmates, the investigations-DA-rumors around those friends and myself, the lost chance to promote to a better less stressful position at work, I found God, my marriage of 16 years was almost lost, a repair on the air-conditioner on the house at an un-payable price, and many more little things stirred in with sprinkles on top.

What I did not do was - hurt my self, give up, or quit looking for answers.

What I found is every time I was happy I was hurt by an equal outside event. For example the retreat was the best time of my life literally then my Aunt the worst time.

I found after the fact that all those events to be the other way around. My fight with her before the retreat the worst time and the retreat the best. Her death the worst and my friends getting fired but not me is good. The truck exploding bad and getting approved credit by my self good. The air-conditioners exploding bad and the new ones with lower monthly bills to pay for truck good. Not getting the promotion bad and time to find spirituality good. Words of divorce, packing bags, kids crying bad and learning we have been looking for the same things spiritually good.

I can not put into words where I am now, but I’ll try, the phrases “you’re so smart, you’re dumb”, “chaotic simplicity”, and “from the eyes of a child” all come in to my mind. If my thoughts jump around, I’m sorry. The hurdle I am faced with now is to “just let go,” to learn to live in a new way, to grow new as a child.

My whole life I feel like I have been climbing a ladder made of bones and calluses, wanting to get away I climbed the ladder leaving my own calluses building it higher. Yet I stay clung to the very ladder I am trying to leave. That ladder built on top of a pile of evil, despair, blood, hate, revenge, and misunderstanding the glue that bound it all together. It is all I have known.

The irony I see now is the higher the ladder, the more bad things it took to build, the farther I can see, the more I know, the farther I have fall, the closer I am to the top.