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sadjenness 
10:46pm, October 13, 2009
Ok, so I’ve been thinking about my marriage a lot, & it would be really funny, if it weren’t so sad since it will officially be over tomorrow. Who was I then, who am I now & who I want to be. I was I 19 full time worker & full time college student when I met him. I was a 21 year old full time worker (with a much better job) & a full time college student when we got married. I am now a 25 year old still full time worker, sadly I have a few classes left before I can get my bachelors of Science in the field of architecture, but dropped out, in part to try to save my marriage (which, incase you can’t tell, didn’t work.) I want to finish school, I think, haven’t really decided. I want to come home to some one that loves & trusts me as much as I do them, to some one that I can count on to beat the world back when I feel overwhelmed, to someone that wants just me… that make me feel like I am good enough for them, no, wait that’s not right… that I’m the only one for them, that me being part of their life everyday makes their life better. It’s strange to think that it was only 7 months ago I thought we were moving forward together, we had been talking about maybe having kids soon & then my life came crashing down around me. Now it’s all over just 3 weeks shy of our 4th anniversary. It hurts a lot to know I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, I wasn’t strong enough to fix it. I’ve always believed that if you loved someone enough it would be enough to get you through anything. Maybe that’s really true but both people have to feel that way, & sadly I was the only one in my marriage whom did, before it was too late to do any good to save it anyway. I loved him so much & pretty much from the second we got married he constantly told me what was wrong with me, what I needed to change about myself, so because of the love I had for him I did it, with out question. The 1st time he strayed, it was because I wasn’t around enough, I worked full time & went to school full time & he felt neglected, so I blew off things to spend time with him. The second time he strayed I found out the day of his grandfathers funeral… & just recently he told me he had sign papers to mover out there, but when I caught him he decided maybe he really did want to stay so he never told me about his plans to move. The last time was back in March/April was because I was smothering him (the exact opposite of the 1st time) & it was really great when I got woken up in the middle of the night for two weeks straight hearing him tell her how much he loved her & how much he hated me. I spent 2 of the longest weeks of my life contemplating jumping off my back porch in an attempt to kill myself, or at least to put my self in Acoma that would make me an amnesiac so the pain would stop. Then when he did finally move out he ended up with different woman altogether. All of the women he has cheated on me with had one thing in common, they all had kids (they didn’t all have custody mind you, but they had given birth)… I don’t know if not having kids caused part of the problem for him, but every time I ever asked him he said it had nothing to do with it. I even gave him a free out pass before we even got married, when I found out I had psoc & the doctor told me having kids might be difficult, & he swore it was not a problem… in the back of my mind I think that will always bother me a little. Needless to say according to my doctor I’m doing very well & if I wanted to have a child tomorrow I couldn’t but only because they take 9 months to gestate. What have I learned from this failed experiment that is my soon to be 1st & most likely only marriage? Well, 1) No matter what vows you make people change & what they thought they wanted wasn’t really what they wanted, or needed. 2) No matter how much you love some one, no matter what you change about yourself to make them happy, it’s never enough. I changed myself so much that I hated the person I was when he left. I changed everything about myself & it was never enough, there was always something else wrong with my in his eyes. I never asked him to change, not once. & I hate that I let my love for him allow me to turn myself into some one completely different because it was what he said he needed from me. I will never change my self for some one else again. Love is not & should never be contingent on you being you one day then completely changing yourself to accommodate that person the next. 3) Never put some one else well being before your won. I put my life on the line for him & got much sicker than I would have had I not made sure his needs were taken care of instead of my own, heath wise. 4) I deserve to be loved & appreciated for who I am, not what I may be able to become. I’ve been thinking a lot, I was a great person before I met him, & I’m jaded now. I used to take people at face value, & still do to a degree now, but not with out thinking in the back of my mind “is this person really who they say they are?” I hate that, I know you may call me naive, gullible or foolish, but I want to trust people to be who they show me, it’s what I do… I don’t understand why people pretend to be something they aren’t. & shame on anyone that take advantage of my trusting nature. I’m slowing returning to the person I was before I met him, & I’m beginning to like me again. I didn’t realize how unhappy I really was until I got over the shock of being left. I want to be happy again & I’m getting there. Last time I talked with him he wanted to come back & try again, but I just don’t have it in my heart to try to force something that hasn’t worked every other time. He’s hurting now, & I feel horrible that I’m, at least in part, the cause of his pain. He wasn’t happy with me & all I want is for him to find what it is in this life that will make him happy. I don’t know… it hurts to know that the one person I though I was going to spend the rest of my life with turned out to not be the one. I never thought there would be anything he could say or do that would make me not want to be with him… I was wrong, eventually your heart goes into self preservation mode & you become numb just to get through it. I still care about him, but not like a wife should, & not like I did when I still felt like his wife. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, but I can’t stay with him just to protect him either. I know I’m rambling, but I need to get this all out. Ok, so this is the last night that I’m still legally his wife. It’s strange & sad… it feels like I was grieving the loss so long that it’s almost not that big of a deal anymore, on one side… the other side feels this wound is getting ripped open yet & again & having all the salt in the universe pored onto it. I keep thinking about where was it that I made the critical error, which path could I have taken instead to have prevented this… but then on the flip side is what if it was meant to fail from the beginning just so we could learn from it & use that experience in our future relationships? I’ve changed so much, just in the past 7 months, let alone in the past 4 years, & yet I still really want the same things. I just want to be loved, & to look into my partners’ eyes & know I can trust them fully & see that same trust reflected back at me. I can say this, I have many more people that care about me than I thought I did, & I have met very many great people that have all helped me. I value everyone that I call friend & I hope you are all doing better than I'm sure I will be tomorrow.
Comments
It's been a long time since i've written anything...
so much has happened & i'm not really sure where to begin.
short version is he's still here, but he hasn't been here in a week.
he took the signed divorce papers & i don't know if he's filed them yet or not
i still care about him, but neither of us are happy & i think the best thing for both of us o to just get this done asap.
UPDATED GOALS
Lose 1 lb a week...
Progress 30%
Encouragements: 0
Add your supportSo, he’s doesn’t know what he wants & he thinks he still wants to leave…
I just want to get through this & know that I’m strong enough to handle this.
Past Entries
| April 2009 |
Saturday, 4/11
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Saturday, 4/11
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Saturday, 4/04
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Wednesday, 4/01
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March 2009 |
Monday, 3/30
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Tuesday, 3/17
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Sunday, 3/08
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February 2009 |
Tuesday, 2/10
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Friday, 2/06
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January 2009 |
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Tuesday, 1/27
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Monday, 1/26
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Friday, 1/23
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Thursday, 1/22
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Monday, 1/19
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Tuesday, 1/13
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Sunday, 1/11
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Sunday, 1/11
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Goal Updated
I could have written this nearly forty years ago, but I just kept going back and back and back through his affairs, his promises, being told I wasn't ever EXACTLY what he wanted, changing myself, distancing myself from family and friends to be there for him--I could go on and on but you've been living it so you know.
I want to comment on your journal tonight, so you can take this with you tomorrow. I wish I had been as brave as you are--and got out when I was 25. You are so young that you will find the right one if that is meant for you. Don't rush into anything and just do what you want to do for a while. A bad marriage and the toll it takes on your self-esteem isn't worth it. I know! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!
JGMeemaw
Hope you stay strong for yourself because theres a high probability that he will still come into your life. When ill people with BPD live in their own reality and have problems having insight into the chaos they can cause to others.
Hope you have a bright future
gartmalvern