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beautifullybroken99 
12:18am, June 14, 2009
alright.. so i'm sorta dealing.. a little bit.. well who am i kidding? i am pissed the fuck off and so aggravated i cant think straight .. what happed to the old me? the one who just took it day to day and managed and adapted to all the things i needed to... if i got sick from the sun i didnt blow up like i do now (which makes it alot worse cuz lupus can be triggered by emotions as well).. while i was curled up with the usual 103 fever and chills i would see that as time to sit and read a book or watch a movie... now i am just bitchy and i cant even stand myself! *sighs* i dealt with this stupid disease for over 20 years so why am i having a hard time dealing now? perhaps kids deal with things better than adults sometimes. perhaps it chemical.. perhaps its just me tryin to admit defeat... i'm still standing on that mountain... but i havent dug my heels in yet and stuck that flag of defeat on there... well... perhaps its because everything has hit me all at once this time.. before all i usually had to worry about were 2 things.. the RA and the lupus... well this time the whole dam mixed connective tissue disease is in full swing.(maybe undifferentiated connective tissue disease), rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, polymyositis, raynauds syndrome, scleroderma, ... and a few others.. i may be loosing the tip of my right middle finger from the raynauds as well.. it feels like i have a razor thru it digging into the bone.. (sorry for the graphicness).. i cant even spend 5 minutes out in the sun with my son because 10 minutes later i am really really sick... and yea i know .. this is the second time i've written about this. sometimes writing about it helps me .. i had a delusion that it would always be under some sort of control. i had the delusion that i would live to be 100 (if i just stopped with the greasy foods and all the sweets *lol*).. at one point i did not fear death.. i had no fear what so ever.. i coulda stood at the mouth of hell and mooned the devil.. that was my strength and sometimes my fault.. now.. well, i dont know how strong i am anymore. i dont know how to face certain things.. i've become soo soft... and it annoys me.. it angers me.. i wanna scream and cry and well, i cant bring myself to either.. i am just a really big mess right now.. my sweet little sugar baby keeps me occupied sometimes tho, so i am not as upset as i would be otherwise.. am i weak for admitting my weakness, or am i strong because i am able to admit it? yea i'm writin a long one again *L*. its rainy out and theres nothing on t.v so i need something to do .. and i already made a cake . sooooo *lol* well i suppose this is all for now.. i'm pretty tired and the cake is calling me.. *LOL*
Comments
I know it was back in May when u wrote this but I was deeply touched & hope u have some more journal entries in the very near future. I have only been dx w/ MCTD 4 five mo. & fill like it's been a lifetime. The depression is more intense, the cutting sharper. I could never imagine 20yrs of this. Help!
GildedButterfly