beautifullybroken99's Journal

well.. i have spent the the last year wondering and worrying myself half to death.  oh yea i got problems of my own.. but i dont really worry about me.. honestly i never do. i just worry about the ones i love.   it was a little over a year ago that my man, jonathan, his grandfather, fred,found out that he had cancer, again. he was a 3 time survivor.  strong old man. the kind of man that cant be still for anything.. a working man with many hobbies. oh yea, he retired a long ago.. but he had many projects and hobbies to always keep him busy.  well everyone figured this cancer would be a quick fix like the others. do surgery to remove it, then do either chemo or radiation.  well.. this time it had gone too far for that. they did try chemo, but it only made him sicker. this time last year a funny little dr. in a university hospital he was at told him he had 2 months to live at most and he needed to go home and get his affairs in order..   of course that upset everyone.. but then he went to a special cancer clinic. the dr. there told him there was no reason to think he wouldnt get over this .  well, that made everyone happy..  do you see the rollercoaster effect here yet?   they found the cancer in his stomach...  several months later (more than 2 months) they did several other tests and found out that it had gone to his lymphnodes..  well, anyone that knows about cancer knows when it goes there it can pop up any freakin place it wants..    several months later it was in his liver... then kidneys.. then esophagus... at one point the cancer dr. said there wasnt any need in putting him thru anymore tests. it would just be more suffering for him.  i had to sit by and watch this man waste away.  this man that took me in and accepted me as a granddaughter.  the one man my jonathan was closest to.  i had to watch jonathan suffer as well..  and his mom and dad..  we lived next door to fred up until a little over a year ago. we're still in town just the other side of it. anyway, everyday we would go over and every day i saw him suffer.. and the rest of his family grieve ..  i think it was about november or december they had to put in a stomach tube because the cancer had closed up his esophagus. nothing could go down..  nothing..  march 5th  he went into the hospital.  he couldnt breathe, he couldnt move..  march 8th at around 4 am.  he started mumbling.. only a few words could be made out.. he wasnt looking at anyone in particular, in fact it seemed like he was looking right thru everyone.  he was talking of home.. at 6 am..  he passed away.   we got the call at about 6:10 ..   its only now that i can even let myself grieve.  i have had to be the strong one for everyone all these months. i've had to watch my love suffer.. i've had to watch this family that took me in and treated me as their daughter suffer..  the funeral today was hard. the wake the other night was hard..  if anyone of you has ever lost anyone to anything like that, then you know how i feel now. and thru all of this, back in jan. my step dad.. the only dad i have ever known, told me he had prostate cancer.  mind you, it was caught really early. he didnt even have any symptoms. and now he has had his surgery and everything is fine.. but still thru all that, i was solid for everyone.  i was here, watching my man and his family fall apart with grief, and i went back home to find my family falling apart with grief.    now, at this very moment, i feel like i can finally fall apart. i know the acceptance of freds death is still new and prolly hasnt hit home entirely.  i have always known that facing the mortality of the ones you love is truly one of the 2 worst things .. the second being , seeing them suffer and not being able to help or do anything at all about it.  i understand how jonathan and his family feels.  my grandmother is the one i am closest too.  shes 85 now.  and looks only 60ish.  shes a diabetic, with slightly high blood pressure and cholesteral...  but she is VERY independant.   i feel like she should always be around ya know..  i know very well she wont.  but i dont really want to accept  that.. i dont want to face her mortality.  just like i dont want to ever face my sons, my moms, my sister & brother in law.. my step dad ..  and even tho i dont know him well and he tends to be a bit of a screw up.. even my dad..  tonight fred's and my step dads has hit my full force.  everyone has found their acceptance and has started dealing.  i know i am gonna have to watch jonathan, for many more days and nights to come, grieve and maybe even cry.. (he mostly does that when he thinks i am not looking)..   sooo...  right now, for these few moments, i am gonna let myself fall apart a little.  i accept my own mortality with solid knowledge... i've died too many times , at one point its all you really can see....  its just hard for me to face theirs.   so for now i'm gonna go curl up with my prayers and thank the lord for everything hes done for me , for us ..  *hugs&love2all*

amy