MitchG's Journal

I really don’t feel like talking to you. I feel very hurt, and disappointed in the last phone call we had. I do not want to sit on my hands or rest on my laurels.

This is how i feel:

1.      I feel that I do not have to be told that I, alone, have to do something about this marriage. I feel that marriage is a joint effort and it should reciprocate.

2.      I feel that I do not have to involve myself in a pattern of bringing up the negative past. Each time I did bring up your emails to the psychologist or counselor, they noticed your pattern of bringing up the past. I feel that I should be with someone who brings up positive aspects of a healthy relationship and fun things that we have done in the past.

3.      I feel that I am consistently accused of being an abuser or be told to others that I am, I feel like I am being slandered.

5.      I feel like doing things that make me happy; in a manner that is within balance. 

7.      I feel that I do not have to involve myself with people who lack introspect of self, and have trouble dealing, facing, or in denial of their own problems. I feel that I do not have to involve myself with people who cannot do a 4th step and keep it real in doing the 4th step or for that matter some of the 12 steps. For those who have balance and do not follow the 12 steps I tip my hat to them.

8.      With that said; I feel that I do not want to be around someone who 3rd parties our issues who has not looked into themselves, honestly, and introspectively, beforehand. I feel that i should be introspective of myself and do an inventory of myself when I feel it is necessary and if necessary my partner will be supportive of me with optimism. However, knowing that my recovery and support for my recovery is seperate from my partner's recovery/rehabilitation, and personal development.

9.      I feel that i would like to be with someone who has ability to work with me and through problems and find resolution and leave the past as the past, but learn from it.

16.  I feel like doing things that make me a better person; and that includes my recovery, and furthering my education when finances are appropriate.

18.  I feel like having a family that is conducive to positive activities and away from addictions, alcoholism, or any type of unhealthy dependencies; including unhealthy emotional dependencies.

19.  I feel that I would like to be with someone who believes in me and is supportive of me; even when I lose my job, or when times are tough; and not tell me ‘I really want to be supportive, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ And ‘you need to document everything that happened.’ I do not feel that is supportive. Someone who is supportive of me when I lost my job would’ve been like ‘Don’t worry about nothing. I know you’ll do the right thing. I believe in you.’ And move on to the next possible job prospect or something that betters me for the future.

20. I choose not to get mad that all of my belongings are with someone I do not know, and not to get mad at dealing with what little I have now. I choose to let it go. If I do feel anger or any feelings that I do not like I understand that I am a living, feeling human being and act in a socially acceptable manner today. I feel that you do not recognize me as a feeling human being.

You haven't stated in your gratitude journals that you were grateful in my help with your financial situation, nor have you been grateful in being married to me. You did not state that you were grateful in helping you with Cera.  I feel that you are ungrateful for me.

I know today that since I have chosen a different lifestyle that I make better decisions and also learning who I am.

I have been told by my parents, counselor, psychologist, sponsor and my new friends that I am doing good and to keep doing what I am doing in my recovery. These are my intentions.

I feel that I have been doing what it takes to be a better person and even though I have lost my job that it is part of learning who I am. I feel that I have done alot of work on me and feel that it is more than what most can do for themselves.. 

In addition, I have my own problems to deal with and I do not blame anyone else. I have to pay for my community service and my fees at Tarzana this equates to about $2900.00.