Journal

I weight 253 lbs.  I gained this weight gradually over the past 5 to 8 years.  I have been going to the Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago for my migraines and they have helped.  My migraines are under control.  But trying to get to this point we have had to try lots, lots of different meds.  All of which caused weight gain.  At that time weight was the least of my worries.

I can not loose this weight.  I don't eat junk food, as you know most junk we can't have anyway.  My problem is that I don't eat enough food.  I just don't get hungry.  When I was using Weight Watchers, it took me 6 weeks to even eat up to my points.  Well I can't do weight watchers, I can not drive,  but I have to loose this weight.

I need bladder surgery and I have to weigh under 200 lbs before I can have the surgery and I need it as soon as possible.

I have just been depressed over that and lots of other things.  I feel fat, old and good for nothing.  I can't go anywhere because I can't drive (had a wreck last year and have no idea what happened). My husband is also retired but he just comes in the house maybe 3 time a day.  He can't stand to stay inside.  When the weather warms up some I will work in the yard some, but that is not a great love for me.  I am alone all day long, don't have anyone to talk to, fat, old.  I think my family would be a lot better off if I were not here.  My son and his famly, wife and 4 kids live on one side of me, daughter and her family live on the other side of me, but we are in a wooded area, so it is not like we are right on top of each other.  And we all get along good.  I want to live to see my grandchildren grow up and get married and have their babies.  But I feel so useless.  All I do is make medical bills (not bad at this point) but the meds bills are not great.  I have no purpose to be here.  I hate being fat, I hate to see me like that, I hate for anyone to see me like that.  My husband is a good husband and he does not deserve to stuck with a fat old lady.  He is sweet good looking man. ( I think so).  Good father, good grandfather, his grandchildren love him.  They are closer to him than me.  

I know if I was not here it would be bad for a while, but everybody would get over it, I have, my mom passed away in 2006.  I don't want to die, but I am sick of living like this.

I am on antidepression medication (wellbutrin).  But I don't know what to do.  I sometimes am afraid I will do something when I get depressed enough.  I need a friend, I don't have any friends that I can talk to.  My daughter and I are close but that is not anything you talk to you daughter about.  I feel that I am not loved, not really.  I would love to have just a hug from Wendall, he hardly ever touches me and we sleep in different beds.  He goes to bed early and I stay up late.  I would love to cuddle in bed. He may love me but he doesn't like me right now I don't think.

I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers and we are fairly close but they have their families.  My families are very active in church, but I haven't been in a good while yet no one from church has called and sent a card to check on me.  Shows how much I am missed there.

I am just not needed, loved and I am not having luck loosing this weight and my husband is no help.  They all give advice but what they talk about is not my problem.  I just keep trying to write in my journal at home to try and vent so I don't get too depressed.  Thanks for listening.  Write back if you can.