flyingfree's Journal

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

I had come to the point where I realised I had to face my past and started taking journys too my old school and environment where I had been abused by uncaring bullies. 

Finally I made the decision to peel back all the activities that I used as addictions such as:

1. Too much time on the internet

2. Too much time on DS

3. Too much time watching TV

4. Even too much time worrying about things and procrastination (finally I have a schedule in place that I can use to organize my time and hence free me from worry)

When I removed my adicitive behaviors I was well aware that by removing my age old defenses along with the past memories returning I could open myself to the hurt of depression. Indeed last night I felt overcome by depression and the hurt underlying it but I did not resort to medicating myself with an addictive behaviour as a distraction I simply let it wash over me as painful as it was. 

As yet there are no clear images but I am sure this will change. The bouts of depressio n and pain will get worse before they get better and I will probably have to face fearful images from the perspective of my child self yet with these words I will be safe.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.