oliviajgl's Journal

I dont know why, but ive been really down recently. I dont even mind if nobody reads this, because i think it will make me feel better to just write how im feeling.

lately, well, no, all the time since i havent been with the boy i truly love, ive been needing to feel wanted. so badly. as a result, and its so hard to admit this to myself, ive been sleeping with people who i barely know.

first there was phill, an ex of mine who i dated for a month or so a few years back. we're just friends, but i went to his and things ended up happening after a bottle of rose. but then i saw him again, and they happened again. the next was a guy called Mike, who i actually dated for 4 months, but he didnt want to make the commitment. this left me feeling devastated, and i feel so unwanted it was ridiculous. after that, there have been two more in the space of a week, and im going for a third. Ben was a guy i met on a night out, went back to his and had sex with him, but it was truly awful, he hit me, bit me and scratched me all over, and wrenched my hair so hard my head hurt for days. Just the constant pain there was enough to make me realise i had to stop, but even then, i met up with another ex called pete, another boy i dated for a month a couple of years back. we slept together too, and it was amazing, and he said to me how incredible it was, and how he'd never felt that good, but the day afterwards (today) things were really awkward. which has put me in a hole.

 mum is doing okish, she's going up and down in how she feels, and she always does too much because she hates asking us all the time to do things for her. i keep on telling and telling her to stop doing so much, but she hates sitting around and doing nothing when there are things to be done. its a constant strain, and it makes me worry every single day.

'how is she?'

'has she done too much?'

'can i do anything?'

i have to go, she needs help with tea,

but this has to stop.

i feel so cheap afterwards, like im so disrespected, and that guy ben who hurt me didnt even remember my name.

but anything to make myself feel better, i find myself doing, no matter how damaging afterwards.

i need a rope.