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porcelainzombie89 
I feel like shit and I don't really know why. I don't know whether to quit my band. I have gained so much fucking weight im gunna get a pregnancy test just to check im not fucking pregnant!! Im sick of the band so much. I'm sick of being dismissed. It's like one thing major has gone wrong for me. Everything else piles on top of u really badly. I feel so blank and empty and fed up. I'm sick of hurting and these horrible horrible thoughts. Being so lonely that I forget how to talk.. My jaw feels like seized up and its weird because when I feel insecure in myself, my teeth seem to feel like they are moving forward, like before I had braces. It's really weird.. When I talk to people I look them right in the eye trying not to break eye contact cuz I get so uncomfortable, I feel like I am glaring at them. I think to myself if only I just keep having eye contact with them, ther must be something there to stop me from feeling so blank. I feel like it's a process going on in my head.. Like tryying to rebuild everything. Hhaving all the rigt thoughts in place. I feel really bad because there is definately something going on in my head. Something really bad, like anxiety. I don't know if doing this band in the first place has just generally tipped off some soort of anxiety think in my brain, something that would have manifested itself eventualky. All the years of dreaming and falseness, excersising manicly, wishing on this and that. Thinking tha tit had finally happened, all my freams came true and iim living the life I want having loads of friends... Well I did. Until I got kicked out and its all turned to shit.. I just feel so fat and urghhh and skanky because of my room. Somethng just feels missing in my head.
I have confirmed to myself and accepted the fact that I suffer from depression and probably always will. Im trying to come to turns with my grandmas death and not having any parents or anyone around me to guide me a long. I think once I get strong enough in myself to recover fro depression then I will be ok. The only rthing thats holding me back is depression. TO get over depression I think u have to take medication to generally boost your mood, write a diary, see a councilor, be kidn to urself and do mediatation like try to think straight...
I really have no idea what I would do without matt. I would be so fucked.. I really have no idea. Its sucha scary thought. I know not everything can last forever.. its all sucha big game. I just want to be free from depression, be happy , not feel horrible feelings. No what career I can attain... Feel secuure I gues...
